ElaineFlinn.com

Posted by Evil E on January 3rd, 2007 in On The Bubble

I spent the holiday season pondering this case.  After consuming two fruitcakes, more eggnog than usual, and a partridge in a pear tree - I threw my suspect 5×8 cards up in the air and decided the first three that landed right side up would lead me to my perps.  How foolish one can be when one is in a sugar down slide.  Alas and alack - there were too many variables.  Too many nut-case civilians trying to play sleuth back at me.  I was faced with answers that had no relevance to my questions, bore no semblance of sanity - facts were skirted - allegations scorned - my superior methods of interrogation were ignored - all in all - it was a total cock up.

And these last five interviews?  Ha.  An ex-cop looking for some old grubby statue of a falcon, a guy who get’s off on amusement parks and has a signing dog, a wee lass who’s hung up on shoes, a dignified looking gent who’s really a pool shark and a blonde who looks like an angel and writes stuff about the devil.  I mean, are these people for real?  I dread writing up my report.  My Chief is gonna think I’ve lost it.  Maybe I have.  Maybe I should just hand in my keyboard and sail off in the sunset.  No.  That won’t work.  I get seasick.  The mountains, maybe?  No.  I have allergies.  The desert.  Yeah, that’s …no.  I hate brown on brown.  I’m a color person.  Honolulu?  Yes!  The Moana in Waikiki.  The verandah and pu-pu’s…and Chi-Chi’s…lot’s of Chi-Chi’s…and…

BUT FIRST:

SCENE OF THE CRIME:  ON THE BUBBLE - DAY FIVE - 2007

THE CRIMES:  Writing some of the best damn fiction out there.

THE SUSPECTS:

ROBIN BURCELL   http://www.robinburcell.com

The good news is that Robin will have a new book out this year - THE FACE OF A KILLER.  The only bad news is that she’s kept her readers waiting far too long.  The other news is check out this photo - and then remember that even though she’s no longer a cop - she still knows how to use that thing - so don’t mess with her, okay?

EE:  So, Robin - my San Fran spy tells me you were seen hovering over lattes at Starbucks on Union Street with a certain famous romance writer who lives close by.  Is it true (Oh, please God!) she’s run out of plots and called you for help?

RB:  Well, that’s what I told the paparazzi that were snapping photos of the event, but the truth was that I happened to walk in at the same time as her, and she asked me to pass the sugar.  I said, ‘raw or regular?’  And she said, ‘Which is best?’  So you can see how that was misinterpreted.  I’ll take my photo ops any way I can get ‘em.

Okay, we’ll buy that for now.

EE:  And what about that rumor that you’re a high-ranking member of James Lincoln Warren’s (aka JLW) PHART’S, but you’re afraid if it gets out you’ll have to go into a witness protection program?

RB:  Highly over-rated rumor.  Not true in the least.  Besides, even if the truth did leak out, the organization is so highly secretive, it makes the secret society of Freemasons look like the public information office.

Damn, but she’s a hard nut to crack.

EE:  Word on the street (I love cop shop talk) is that your former role as Prez of NorCal MWA was really a cover up for a special ops job you’re doing for the Maltese Society to find that damn falcon.

RB:  Well, that was before I realized the dang falcon was right there where we meet each month in the display case at Historic John’s Grill in San Fran all along.  Of course, I’m a trained investigator.  Not everyone can lay claim to such refined skills.

Huh?  I went to several of those meetings.  It was there?  All that time?  Doesn’t say much for any of us so-called sleuths, does it!

  CHRIS GRABENSTEIN    http://www.chrisgrabenstein.com

Even though Chris is guilty of writing TV commercials - we can ignore that part of his shady past.  After all - anyone who can rescue a wonderful guy like Fred (the one without the shades) - he can’t be all bad.  Fred, by the way, was a star on Broadway appearing in ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’ - and is helping Chris weather the pressures of stardom after winning the Best First Novel Anthony for TILT A WHIRL.

EE: Rumors are rampant that Bruce Willis - your former comedy troupe member - is hankering to become a mystery writer, but you’re not returning his calls.  What’s up with that?

CG:  Yes, he’s ready to moonlight again.  But every time he calls, it sounds like he’s trapped in a building without any shoes hiding from German terrorists with semi-automatic weapons.  I remember when Bruce did his first movie, back when we were still doing improv comedy for ten dollars a show down in the east village in a basement theater just off the Bowery and he had to shave his head (something he seems to do on a regular basis these days) to play a bald guy riding the Roosevelt Island tram.

Gosh, I like the way you skirted that question.  But hey, who needs another mystery writer, huh?  I mean, we can live without Bruce in the bookstores.

EE:  Okay, time for your Walter Mitty Dream Sequence.  Whatcha got for us?

CG:  I’m on stage.  People are blowing into sticks of candy like flutes.  I hear the strands of ‘Toot Sweet’.  I jump on the bad guy.  Okay, it’s Fred’s dream…but I want to have stage credit’s as good as our dog’s!

Hold that thought - I’ve got Carol Shorenstein Hays on the other line - we’re working something up.  Just make sure I have two front row center’s on opening night, okay?

EEO:  Which sex symbol do you think you most resemble?

CG:  Fred Flint stone.  Maybe Barney Rubble.  Oh, you should have seen me eighty pounds ago…which is how much weight I lost three years ago.  Weight Watchers On Line and Book Writing.  Perfect together.

You LOST weight writing?  Yo.

DONNA MOORE    http://www.free space.virgin.net/Donna.Moore

I don’t know who the hell Donna Moore’s muse is - but I want her!  Ken Brien has called her the Dorothy Parker of Scotland.  Charlie Stella said - it’s like having Grouch Marx feeding you one-liners over your shoulder the entire trip.’  Is it any wonder Donna’s hilarious debut book - GO TO HELENA HAND BASKET has been nominated for a Lefty next month at Left Coast Crime?

EEO:  Isn’t it true, Donna - that you’re madly in love with Bob Haskins, and patterned Robin Banks after him?  Well, okay - so you made him a bit taller, but still?

DEM:  Isn’t EVERYONE taller than Bob Haskins?  We have the same test for telling a good book me and Bob.  Apparently when he gets a new script he takes it to the lo and if he’s sitting there and his bum goes cold and numb - then he knows the script is a good one and he accepts the role.  I’m the same.  The number of times I’ve fallen off the loo reading a Ken Bruen…

Charming.  Thank you for sharing that with us.  I’m sure Ken Bruen is delighted to know he is found in all the better places.

EE:  Rumors abound that now that Helen Mirren has let Jane Tennison retire, she’s interested in playing Helena - but you’re trying to convince her to play Heidi instead.  So, what’s the scoop on that?  Think Helen can handle it?

DM:  Well, having seen the last episode of Prime Suspect, I’m beginning to think it was the cocktails that were the attraction, rather than the role of Helena.  And let’s face it, Elaine, ANYONE can handle the role of Helena.  She’s so dim.  For some reason my family think she is based on me.  I have no idea why.

Surely you jest!  You’re not at all like Helena.  Well, maybe a little bit…now that I think about it…there is a similarity.  Not physically, of course.  I’m sure it’s your great sense of adventure.  Oh, wait!  I know!  It’s the shoes.  That’s it.  The shoes.

EE:  And speaking of shoes (?) - I understand Imelda Marcos is angling for a spot in the Guinness Book of Records for having the most shoes - and she’s challenged you to surpass her.  Is it true you’ve enlisted David Corbett to go undercover and get Imelda’s shoe count before you embark on your shopping spree?

DM:  When they raided her wardrobes they also found some bulletproof bras. I asked David to sneak out a couple of those for me.  You can never have too much bulletproof lingerie can you?  Apparently she was most annoyed when it was reported that she had over 3,000 pairs of shoes and was reported to have said, "I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty."  Yeah, like that makes a difference Imelda.  For the record, I only have 100 or so pairs (do you like the ‘or so’, by the way?)

Like it?  I love it.  Never, ever, cop to the number of ANYTHING you have.  Keep ‘em guessing, chickie.  That’s my motto.

ROBERT FATE   http://www.robertfate.com

Philosopher?  Riverboat Gambler?  Rare Book Dealer?  Nope.  How’s about Oscar winner (special effects for DUNE) and the debut author of BABY SHARK - one of 2006’s most talked about books?

EE:  So, Bob - going along with ‘write what you know’ - care to tell us how many roadside pool halls you frequented in order to soak up atmosphere for BABY SHARK?

RF:  Like I can remember?  My buddy, Snake, and I used to slip out the window during Ms. Herbert’s class and go to Chili Jake’s to shoot nine ball.  That’s all I recall, and that’s all you get.

Oh, sure.  Memory loss.  Happens all the time. But okay, we’ll buy it for now.

EE:  We will assume the rumors of the mini-rumble you supposedly were involved in at Ruby’s Red Dragon Bar in Waco wasn’t your fault, right?  You were just kinda setting things up for those knock-out scenes in BABY SHARK to get some flavor, right?  I mean, we all know it wasn’t really your fault the place went berserk.

RF:  You’re never gonna let me live that down.  Have I got this right? The blonde in the purple corset said she’d be right back and I was just waiting around.  It was all a mistake from beginning to end.  Well, that brass knuckles business was a little bit my fault.

Well, I wasn’t going to mention the blonde in the purple corset, but since you did…

EE:  But the real buzz around ThrillerVille is that Efren Reyes - the top men’s money maker in the game - hoped to convince you to model your protag after him instead of a woman.  Is it true you had to let him beat you at pool to soothe his ego for being rejected?

RF:  I’m thinking you know an awful lot about snooker and such, Ms. Flinn.  But re: Mr. Reyes - not on his best day can he take me at the table - and you can tell him I said so.

Darling, I know a lot about a lot of things - but there just isn’t space here.  I’ll pass your message on to Efren when I see him later.  We’re having…er…coffee at his place.

ALEXANDRA SOKOLOFF  http://www.alexandrasokoloff.com

Who’d a thunk this gorgeous blonde - posing so angelical - seeming so lost in thought -  perhaps about a favorite Debussy strain - could write such scary monster scenes?  I had to leave the light on for weeks after reading THE HARROWING.  I’m sure as hell glad Alex has joined us here at Murderati.  I mean, I think it’s always prudent to be good friends with horror writers.  One never knows when one might find themselves in their books.  And not as one of the good roles either.

EE:  So, Alex - that year in Istanbul?  You wanna tell us about that when you were sixteen?  Or, do you want to save that for another time?

AS:  Seriously, it was very hard.  I was blonder than I am now and so, so obviously American.  I was harassed everywhere I went - abduction attempts - not fun.  But that’s the year that I threw every practical plan out the window and decided to go into theater, because life is too precious not to do what you love.  And Istanbul itself is a phenomenal city - it was life-changing.

Life changing?  How about life CHALLENGING?  Abduction attempts?  Aieee!  But wait - there could be a story here.  I can see it now - Jude Law is at an outdoor cafe at the Grand Bazaar - the one commissioned by Suleyman…sipping thick Turkish coffee, pondering his life when he witnesses an attempt to kidnap a young girl.  He springs to action…  I mean, think about it, okay?

EE:  Rumor has it that John Travolta is begging you to teach him ballet for his next film - but you turned him down.  Was it because you just couldn’t envision him in tights, or what?

AS:  I don’t have the slightest difficulty in imagining ANY man in tights - I have this Elizabethan fetish.  I wouldn’t presume to teach JT anything about dancing - but I’d dance with him any time, any place, anywhere.  Can you set that up?

Can I set it up?  Darling, you’re talking to moi.  Consider it done.  John and I go back, you know?

EE:  My favorite little spy tells me that you’re working on new lyrics for a duet with Paul Guyot for next year’s gala at ThrillerFest, but Guyot wants to make it a three-some and have Tony Bennett do back up.

AK:  I have no doubt Guyot would be up for a three-some thing, but Tony Bennett wouldn’t have been my first guess for a third.  Works for me.

You sure about Bennett?  I mean - I can talk to Guyot.  Between us - we could pull a few strings and get someone else.  I hear Wayne Newton is writing a thriller and could use the exposure.

**********************************************************************************************************************

OKAY - THE REPORT IS COMPLETE.  THINK THEY CAN FOOL ME, HUH?  I’VE GOT THEM RED-HANDED.  GUILTY AS CHARGED.  EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.  I HOPE THEY GET WHAT THEY DESERVE.  LIKE THEY SAY - IF YOU CAN’T DO THE TIME - DON’T DO THE CRIME.   YOU BE THE JUDGE.

My very sincere thanks to all the terrific writers who had the courage and great sense of humor to play with me here - at ON THE BUBBLE.  So - to end the year, let me once again offer my thanks- in order of appearance- to:  Denise Hamilton, Stephen Booth, Paul Guyot, Robin Burcell, James Lincoln Warren, David Montgomery, Gayle Lynds, Gregg Hurwitz, Louise Ure, Jim Rollins, Laura Lippman, Ian Rankin, Alex Kava, Chassie West, Tess Gerritsen, Sarah Weinman, Julia Spencer-Fleming, Dylan Schaffer, Linda Richards, John Hart, M.J. Rose, Alexandra Sokoloff, P.J. Parrish, Chris Grabenstein, Raymond Benson, Robert Fate and Donna Moore.

MY LINE UP FOR 2007 IS ALREADY BURSTING - SO STAY TUNED!

19 Comments

Posted by Murderati on December 20th, 2006 in On The Bubble

It’s gonna be a good interview day today.  I can feel it in my bones.  I know I’m getting closer every minute to solving this case.  I can see that ‘ole light at the end of the tunnel - and I’ve got a pot of fresh coffee and a box of lucky doughnuts at my elbow (three apple fritters and three plain).  That’s always a good sign.  Yeah, this group will break things open for me.  I’m employing my secret weapon -I’ve got second sight - did you know that?  Hey, they don’t call me Evil for nuttin’.

SCENE OF THE CRIME:  ON THE BUBBLE - DAY FOUR - 2006

THE CRIMES:  Writing some of the best damn fiction out there.

THE SUSPECTS:

IAN RANKIN  http://www.ianrankin.net

One does not introduce Ian Rankin.  His name says it all.

Well, I could tell you that he’s wonderfully witty, charming and erudite - but you know that.  I could also mention that he’s broodingly handsome - and that his dangerously mysterious eyes just drive me nuts (yes, even old broads like me can still feel the heat in eyes like his) - but you know all of that too.  So before I melt away - here are a few things we chatted about last July.

EE: We’ve all got a bad habit or two, what are yours?

IR:  I have plenty of bad habits.  I am an irascible drunk.  I bite my fingernails.  I listen to progressive rock.  My diet is a distaste - I am a chocolate junkie.

Ohhhh…my kinda guy…wish we lived closer.

EE:  Is it true ‘The Belles of St. Trinian’s’ with Alastair Sim is your favorite movie?  Or, is it really ‘Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla?

IR:  My favorite movies include:  ‘Goodfellas’, ‘Godfather’, ‘The Big Chill’, ‘Clerks’, ‘Gregory’s Girl’…I do like those St. Trinian films though…all of those skirts and stockings…are those films still legal?

Goodfellas? The Godfather?  Oh, yes - you are truly a man after my own heart.  Sorry to say - the St. Trinian films have been banned now, but-uh-I know a guy who can get them for you.

LOUISE URE   http://www.louiseure.com

I adore Louise -but damn, it’s just not fair to be this talented.  Her prose is entrancing - and her imagery of Arizona is so exacting you can feel the blistering heat bounce off the page.  Oh, here’s more to feel under accomplished when you’re around this gal - she speaks seven languages, races Shelby’s and has a pilot license.  But don’t hold this against her -she has her good points.  Hell, she’d have to to put up with me.

EE:  Since I’ve let the cat out of the bag about your flying skills - how about explaining why Pari hired you to take her over the desert in New Mexico? Was it to check out those new circles allegedly made by UFO’s?

LU:  Oh, I’m not trying to hide the pilot part; I’ve been flying for about thirty years now. But I have few takers for passengers these days, ever since I ran out of gas and had to land on 1-10 near Picacho Peak.  And then there was the time I forgot to tighten the lug nuts on the engine cowling.  I think Pari was very brave to have asked for that New Mexico flight.

Brave?  I’ll say she was brave!  Bet she won’t go up again with you after reading this!

EE:  Driving race cars is - well - a pretty tough hobby.  How hard has it been for you to show up all those macho race car divers when you take to the speedway in your 1966 Shelby 350 GT?  I mean, they must really have a few testosterone fits.

LU:  At first, they were a little unnerved when I suggested we repaint the car from it’s original black and gold to match my new driver’s suit.  They finally came around when I offered to file my fingernails into the shape of Phillip head and regular screwdriver shapes to help with their repairs.

You did what??  Oh, how utterly brilliant of you!

SARAH WEINMAN  http://www.sarahweinman.com

Sarah’s Confessions of An Idiosyncratic Mind is a one-stop snoop for what’s going on in BookBizVille.  Razor sharp observations, delectable books featured and an international readership.

EE:  Word around Manhattan is that you turned down a dinner date with Mel Brooks to discuss the intricacies of short story writing.  This can’t be true, can it?

SW:  He wanted to go to Elaine’s.  I wanted to go to Michael’s.  We had to agree to disagree, unfortunately.

Well, hell - I don’t blame you.  Too bad Mel didn’t know Michael’s was THE place for the literati.  But then, what do movie people know, huh?  Listen chickie - you’re better off without him.

EE:  Whispers are rampant that a certain hunky new writer is sending you roses and chocolates so he can become a Cabana boy.  What say you about that?

SW:  Rose, yes.  Chocolates, no.  I can be bribed, people, so please, make it chocolate, preferably 70% dark and up.

Hey guys?  Are you listening out there?  Forget Godiva, okay?  zChocolate.com is the place to go.  Try that nifty mahogany box from Pascal Caffet.  It’s a bargain at $171.40.  What price to be immortalized as a Cabana Boy?

RAYMOND BENSON  http://www.raymondbenson.com

aka JAMES BOND.  And he’s dressed for the role.  Imagine wearing a tux all the way through the many (Nine!-six original and three movie novelizations!) James Bond books under his belt.  Er, cummerbund.  But there is much more to Raymond’s writing career than Bond - and it would take an hour just to type his credits.  His new book - SWEETIE’S DIAMONDS is living proof there is life after 007!

EE:  So, Raymond - I imagine having to don a tux while writing those Bond books became annoying after a time.  I’ll bet your neighbors did a double-take when you took out the garbage.

RB:  Ha! Most of the time I write wearing only underwear or (gasp) less.  That’s the luxury of working out of one’s home.  My commute from the bedroom is ten feet.  I must admit, though, that when I do interviews like this, I dress a bit more formally.  I have on a white shirt, but no pants.

Ahem.  I do hope the shirt is at least buttoned.

EE:  Is it really true you were bored to tears while doing research for your latest - SWEETIE’S DIAMONDS? Gosh, I’d think checking out the adult porn industry would have been rather exciting, er…illuminating.

RB:  Research?  Who needed research?  Seriously, folks, I do take pride in the amount of research I do for all of my books.  For Bond, I had to get the weaponry and technical and British-ness right.  For TOM CLANCY’S SPLINTER CELL, I had to get the military jargon right.  For SWEETIE’S DIAMONDS I had to…you know.

Uh, yes - well - uh, we’ll just have to use our imagination I suppose.

P. J. PARRISH   http://www.pjparrish.com

Double trouble! And don’t laugh - these two sisters:  Kris & Kelly are so full of life and mischief-they’re addictive.  Mega-nominated for their great Louis Kincaid series-they are never still - always on the move - deeply involved in the mystery community-and always ready to help a newbie.  And their latest - AN UNQUIET GRAVE - is -naturally - superb!

EE:  Here’s a chance to squash a rumor - word is - Louis Kincaid is a real person under the witness protection program and he feeds you two all of his real life stories.

PP:  Damn, another truth exposed.  Louis is really Kelly’s four husband Karry, and an old white dude who was a delivery guy with UPS until his looks went and he caught on with FedEx as a lost package tracer.  He lives in a double-wide near the Memphis airport and emails Kelly about his adventures. "Larry is currently at work on his own novel, "The UPS Man Always Comes Twice."  Larry says it’s a thriller, but Kelly says it’s strictly fantasy.

Aha! Finally! I’ve got some spy’s who are on the ball!  But gosh, the poor guy is delusional, huh?  Good thing Kelly dumped him.

EE:  My best spy tells me that both of you have been approached by the producers of "Housewives" to be regulars next season. - and you’ll be portraying your real life roles as best selling authors.  Are your husbands good with this?

PP:  You know, Lee Goldberg got us a reading but we were rejected for not being desperate enough.  Or maybe it had to do with how we looked in the stilettos and thongs.

My insider source tells me it wasn’t the stilettos or thongs - it was because your parts were on the table to be expanded as co-leads and it caused a major hissy fit.  Expect a call any day now…but you didn’t hear this from me, okay?

Okay,okay - so I didn’t break the case today.  I’ve still got five more to go after this crazy bunch.  So my lucky doughnuts didn’t work.  It happens.  But hey - I’m an old pro, remember?  I always get my man or woman…or whatever.  But these nuts today?  Whew.  A Scottie who bites his nails and whose diet is a shambles?  A lady race car driver who flys a plane and runs out of gas?  What about the dame who wouldn’t break bread at Elaine’s and has Cabana Boys?  And how about those two sisters who wear stilettos and thongs?  And then I get a guy who thinks he’s James Bond!  I tell you - some of these people are two paragraphs short of a full page.  But never fear - I’m on to them and their games.  And I know I’m getting closer and closer.  We’ll see who has the last laugh.  I’ll have this case broken on December 27th if it’s the last thing I do. 

I’m taking off next week to see my therapist…it’s not headaches this time - it’s the eye twitching this group has reawakened.  But stop by anyway.  Naomi Hirahara will be dropping in.

Until December 27th - MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY HANUKKAH!   

19 Comments

Posted by Murderati on December 13th, 2006 in On The Bubble

When I looked over my new list of interviews today, I realized I should have had more coffee this morning.  My head is already pounding just looking at this group.  But then, they’ve all been tricky - trying to trip me up - evading questions here and there - leading me down corridors of confusion - but they don’t realize who they’re dealing with.  I’ll get my answers one way or the other.  So, okay - my window is closed.  No problem - it was too drafty anyway.

SCENE OF THE CRIME:  ON THE BUBBLE - DAY THREE - 2006

THE CRIMES:  Writing some of the best fiction out there.

THE SUSPECTS:

TESS GERRITSEN   http://www.tessgerritsen.com

Now, this lovely lady means business.  Just check out this photo!  You don’t want to mess with her.  Besides being an Edgar nominee, she just won the Nero Award a couple of weeks ago.  You already know she’s a NYT Bestseller - an international supernova with TEN Medical Suspense novels under belt-but did you know she also wrote NINE Romantic Suspense novels as well?  We all know Tess is a physician - but I gotta tell you -that mock autopsy she did with Doug Lyle at ThrillerFest was a show stopper!

Not only is Tess one hell of a stunner - which is easy too see - (so let’s just all get over our envy) - she is also warm, generous with her thoughts (check out her blog) - has a terrific laugh and a wicked sense of humor.  I had to keep that in mind whilst I read her latest  two books- VANISH - because that’s what she did to my sleep.  It vanished.  And her newest - THE MEPHISTO CLUB - added more wrinkles around my eyes.  But I’ll make Tess pay - she owes me a drink next year at ThrillerFest. 

EE:  Okay, here’s an easy one:  What is your favorite retreat?  And what do you do there?

TG:  My own head.  And I do everything there.  Not all of which I can talk about.

Really.  Hmmmm.  Oh, we’ll really have to have that drink!

EE:  Everyone has a Walter Mitty dream, what’s yours?  75,000 words or less.  I normally say to keep it clean, but after that last answer-I’m intrigued.

TG:  Brad Pitt decides Angelina Jolie just isn’t hot enough for him anymore, and then his gaze meets mine across the room, and…   No, honestly, I’m already living my Walter Mitty dream.  I still can’t believe I’m getting paid so well just to make stuff up.

Aw, shucks - you had me going there.  But hey, if you’re happy?

EE:  Word on the street is that Orlando Bloom is after you to star opposite him in the next Pirate’s of the Caribbean: The Quest for Tess’.  When do you see your calendar clear to begin?

TG:  Five minutes ago.  (Will I get to keep the sex scenes?)

There’s a slight problem - it’s a bit iffy at this point.  But I think I’ve got everyone convinced as long as you promise to get back to work on your next thriller.  See, the powers that be are afraid you might run off with Orlando…but not to worry, okay?  I’m on the case.

JIM ROLLINS   http://www.jamesrollins.com

 

Jim Rollins is one of the few men I take to bed who can keep me up all night.

Well, it’s true.  His chapter endings are such cliff-hangers, I can’t let go of my anxiety.  But then, what can you expect from this best selling author of SEVEN pulse racing thrillers?  Oh, and then he’s also a best selling fantasy author of THREE different series under the name of James Clemens!  And then of course, he also has a Ph.D in veterinary medicine, his undergraduate work focused on evolutionary biology-he’s an amateur spelunker and a certified scuba diver.  Other than that, he’s just your ordinary regular guy.  Yeah. Right.  A super human dynamo is more like it.  Lest you think me gaga, be sure to pick up his newest - BLACK ORDER - and see for yourself.

Jim Rollins is the newest member of my secret loves club.   p.s. I have six now, and room for one more.  And I’ve got my eye on a few candidates.  Keep tuned.

EE:  Let’s try the ‘lighten up’ thing, okay?  Who would you love to do a book tour with?

JR:  Only you, El…can I call you "El"?  Think of the lonely road together, the whispers across late candle-lit dinners, debating the works of Proust, Shakespeare, and Lemony Snicket…then the occasional longing glance out of the corner of the eye, the sudden smile, the laughter that hides something more.  Where might it lead?  More than just the New York Times bestseller list?

OHHHHHH….HELP!  I’M MELTING FASTER THAN THE WAX ON THE CANDLES AND IT’S NOT HOT FLASHES!  DARLING!  OF COURSE YOU CAN CALL ME ‘EL’….JUST CALL ME!

EE:  Whew!  I’m not sure if I can go on here.  Pardon me for a moment whilst I fan my face.  Okay, I’m fine now.  I can do this.  Other than writing two series (!), what do you consider your biggest challenge?

JR:  It has to be my role as an international man of mystery.  It gets so tiring doing all those quick changes in disguise:  the modeling clay, the fake teeth, the tinted contact lenses.  The dry cleaning bill alone ate through my last royalty check. But at least the world is a much safer place.

The hell with the world, where shall we meet?

LAURA LIPPMAN   http://www.lauralippman.com

Great talent, beauty, brains, her warmth, crackling wit, generosity and welcome smile - all wrapped up in one long-legged supernova is just too damn much for one woman to have - but this lady has it all.  And then some. 

And then there are the books.  Oh, boy.  Fourteen books and a combination of damn near every nomination and award that’s out there.  Laura has won the Edgar, Shamus, Agatha, Anthony, and the Barry - and nominated for Best P.I. from Romantic Times.  And there is little doubt her latest - NO GOOD DEEDS - will most likely bring more nominations and awards.

EE:  Okay, Laura - I’m going to start off the bat with one of the hottest rumors running around Mysteryville.  In fact, it’s so hot - cell phones are sparking.  Can it REALLY be true you’re not taking Jude Law’s calls anymore???  And all because his so-called excessive craving for Greek food at midnight was the last straw?

LL:  More his excessive cravings for nannies.

Huh? That’s it?  Nannies?  But…but…I heard he swore on bended knee that he was cured.  Well, okay.  But hey-that does leave him open ladies and I’ve got his private number. Email me -but be warned-the highest bidder, okay?

EE:  My spy in Vegas (no not that Elvis look-alike that stalked you at Bcon/2003-he’s not working for me anymore. But that’s another story) - tells me that you’ve instructed your publisher not to give into the threats from that mega rich casino owner who is claiming you wrote NO GOOD DEEDS in his  coffee shop. And - that he was so taken with you, he personally waited on you!  All the poor man wants - he claims - is to be acknowledged as your muse, but you won’t even send him an autographed copy. 

LL:  I love you, Elaine, but you clearly have the worst sources in the world.  Who are you talking to, Jayson Blair and James Frey?

Uh, no - it was…well, I can’t really say.  My lips are sealed.  I mean, I have to protect my sources.  Surely, as a former journalist - you understand that, right?  But he had gorgeous hair and the dreamiest blue eyes…and…and…well, never mind.

DYLAN SCHAFFER  http://www.misdemeanorman.com

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Posted by Murderati on December 6th, 2006 in On The Bubble

Well, I shuffled through my long list of suspects and had a hard time putting this new batch together.  See, it’s like this.  They ALL look shady, you know?  But I’m a seasoned investigator, and I know that sometimes just throwing a bunch of names in a hat often presents some interesting leads.  This is a tough case.  I’ve got to admit it.  Of course, that’s just between us, okay?  So far, none of these people have given me the answers I need.  They think they can fool me, but I’m on to them.  I mean, just because they’re writers - they think they have a way with words.  Yeah?  Well, hey - I know a few myself.  I even have Webster’s School & Office Dictionary.  The standard version, too.

SCENE OF THE CRIME:  ON THE BUBBLE - DAY TWO - 2006

THE CRIMES:  Writing some of the best crime fiction out there.

THE SUSPECTS:

LINDA RICHARDS:  http://www.lindalrichards.com   http://www.lindalrichards.blogspot.com

I’m a great admirer of Linda Richards.  Naturally.  I mean, she wouldn’t be here at On The Bubble - if I wasn’t, right?  Right.  She’s genuine, full of the devil, a wicked e-mail pal, a multi-talented reporter, stock trader - and one hell of a mystery writer.  And besides being the co-creator of  JANUARY MAGAZINE (http://www.januarymagazine.com) - one of the most respected internet stops for book lovers - Linda is also the author of three terrific mysteries with a protag - Madeline Carter - who is not only fun to hang out with, she’s wonderfully wry - and savy as hell!  Madelines’ first appearance - as you already know - was in MAD MONEY.  I loved that book!  And then I met up with her again in THE NEXT EX.  I had a hard time putting down her newest - CALCULATED LOSS - life didn’t seem much fun without Madeline.  Grab it!  You’ll thank me.  Have I ever steered you wrong?

EE:  Linda, at what point in your career did you find it necessary to break your addiction to watching back-to-back reruns of ‘I Love Lucy’? 

LR:  Who told you I had broken it?  They lie like a bad rug!

Lie like a bad rug?  Where’s my notebook?  I gotta steal that one.

EE:  Okay, Linda - here’s a hot one.  Word on the street is that you’re ghosting Joan Rivers new biography.  Care to comment?

LR:  I didn’t realize that had gotten out.

Gotten out?  All of Mysterville is on fire with the rumors!  Hell, even Rush Limbaugh is talking about it…and Letterman!  And I hear Penzler is foaming at the mouth.  Did you know she rejected him?

EE:  Okay, Linda - here’s a hot one.  Word on the street is that you’re ghosting Joan Rivers new biography.  Care to comment?

LR:  I didn’t realize that had gotten out.

Gotten out?  All of Mysterville is on fire with the rumors!  Hell, even Rush Limbaugh is talking about it…and Letterman!  And I hear Penzler is foaming at the mouth.  Did you know she rejected him?

JOHN HART   http://www.johnhartfiction.com

Such stuff as dreams are made on...   I think that’s very appropriate for John!

I mean, when was the last time you saw Pat Conroy blurb a writer? "The King of Lies moves and reads like a book on fire…an amazing new talent."  Besides all the raves from People and Entertainment Magazine, Booklist, Publishers Weekly, Library Journal and Bookpage - I gave John ten stars.  So there.

EE:  So, John - now that you’ve joined the firm of Grisham, Turow, Margolin & Schaffer - are you going to throw away that sign you had in your office?  You know the one I mean - that Shakespeare ditty from King Henry VI - ‘The first thing to do is to kill all the lawyers."?

JH:  Kill all the lawyers?  Who would buy my books?  Actually, I’m pretty proud to be a lawyer.  Believe it or not, it’s a great community.  Shared experiences.  Similar war stories.  It’s funny, The King of Lies doesn’t really paint lawyers with a kind of stroke, yet some of my most outspoken fans are attorneys.  Quite a few of them have gone out of their way to say that I nailed it.  Of course, they’re referring mainly to criminal district court, which is a strange beast…you really have to see it to believe it.  So, I’m still active in the bar.  At the same time, I can’t say that I miss the practice.  But I need to be careful.  If book two blows up on me, I might be asking one of them for a job.

Attention to all lawyers in the audience!  Don’t hold your breath waiting for John to send in his resume.  It ain’t gonna happen.  He’s locked into a contract with the above mentioned firm.

EE:  So John - rumors are rampant (I just love that term) around the Sundanceville that Robert Redford wants to play the role of Work Pickens but you turned him down because his face is too weathered.  John!!  You turned REDFORD DOWN???  Oh…I’m wilting here.

JH:  I didn’t say that his ‘face’ was too weathered.  I said his ‘ass’ was too weathered.  I mean, come on, his face is perfect.

His what?  Wait a minute.  Work Pickens doesn’t strip in the book!  So who the hell cares about… Well, anyway, you’re right about the face.  He’s still to die over.  I remember the day I met him.  Stop laughing.  I really did.  It was…nevermind, my husband might be reading this.  I’ll tell you all about it at Thrillerfest.

EE:  So, John - which writer would you love to have all to yourself in a cozy corner of the bar at next year’s Bouchercon or ThrillerFest?

JH:  Any of the authors who blurbed my book.  It’s such a decent thing for an established writer to do for a new guy.  I would listen to their stories, I would thank them profusely, and I would stand them to drinks from dusk until dawn.

That’s very nice.  But, uh…I thought maybe you might say…well, I was hoping…  Gosh, maybe I’ll wave as I pass by, okay?  I mean, I wouldn’t want to barge in or anything.

EE:  Talk around Lawyerville, John - is that you’ve broken the cardinal rule of ‘telling it like it is’ - and the boys and girls are gathering on the footsteps of court houses all over the country getting ready to march.  How are you going to handle this?

JH:  Are you kidding?  The lawyers are rallying to my banner like I was William Wallace.  Now there’s talk of forming some kind of professional group, like a bar, maybe.  A state bar.  And a national version, too.  The American Bar Group, maybe.  Frankly, we’ve had enough.  We want reasonable compensation for reasonable work.  You win a case, and then get one third of a million dollar verdict?  That’s less than four hundred thousand dollars, which is just unacceptable for a hard week’s work.  We demand more, and we’re going to get it!

Kidding?  Me?  Get serious.  Listen Braveheart, I’ll run the bar, you take care of the dough problem, okay?  We can make this thing work.  Just don’t call me Kitty. 

M. J. ROSE   http://www.mjrose.com   http://www.mjroseblog.typepad.com/backstory/

If I were to list all the credits that accompany M.J. Rose, we’d run out of space.  So let’s just remind you of a few, okay?  She’s written eight novels-her newest is THE VENUS FIX, has an Anthony nom, short fiction published, and in the new THRILLER anthology.  She’s been called one of the reigning queens of psychological suspense and erotica - was profiled in Forbes, The New York Times, Newsweek. AND - she has the wildly popular blog - BUZZ, BALLS & HYPE and BACKSTORY.  Somehow, she manages to be on the board of International Thriller Writers and is the marketing chair.  I don’t know when she has time to sleep, let alone write!  You’ll need a good half hour to read all of her accomplishments on her website! 

EE:  So, M.J. - that was a pretty nifty idea your panel - "Sex in Thrillers, with Booze" (at ThrillerFest) came up with by offering free booze.  Uh, think you all might have started a precedent?  I hear some of the writers are going to bartender school now to come up with some wild drinks for next year.

MJ:  The real idea behind the booze was to get my fellow panelists tipsy so the women in the audience could take advantage of them.  But then, who knew how well Barry Eisler, John Lescroat and Steve Berry could hold their liquor? What’s a conference like without some good gossip?  Apparently wonderful, because the only hot stuff that happened at ThrillerFest was the weather, the energy-and the couple I saw having sex in the pool one morning at 4:30 AM when the time difference got me up too early.  And that scene was before Sex in Thriller panel.  And no, don’t ask.  I don’t tell.

Not even a little hint?  Okay-we’ll pretend it was one of those sorority gals and her boyfriend.  I mean, what writers do we know that would indulge in public, huh?  By the way, I’ve got a drink you can use next time that will do the trick.  We’ll talk, okay?

EE:  Okay, M.J. - time to fess up here - just how much research did you feel was necessary to conjure up the Scarlet Society in The Delilah Complex?

MJ:  About five years visiting every sex club in

America

.  You want to hear about it?  My lips are totally sealed. They say our country is repressed - the only thing repressed is the reality about what goes on between mild-mannered middle-aged men and women.

Five years?  And you want to know if I want to hear about it??  Surely you jest!  Egads, woman!  I’m all ears!  Come on, spill!

EE:  Your books have been touted as having characters so real they step off the page.  Uh, M.J.?  do you really know people like this?

MJ:  Don’t you?  Oh, you poor dear, you haven’t lived!  Come to

New York

for a few weeks and let me introduce you to some of my friends.

I’ll be there next July for ThrillerFest, chickie!  Set up the schedule.

GREGG HURWITZ   http://www.greghurwitz.net   http://www.greghurwitz.blogspot.com

I wasn’t sure what my intro for Gregg Hurwitz was gonna be.  See, along with Dave Montgomery, Paul Guyot, James Lincoln Warren and Jim Rollins, I adore this guy.  In fact, they’re all  part of my pack of secret loves.  Now, when you get to my age, it’s okay to say things like that.  I could just tell you that Gregg (which you already know) is the critically acclaimed #1 LA Times best selling author of

FIVE blockbuster thrilllers.  I’d name them all for you, but you should really mosey over to his website and check them out.  You could buy one or two as well - because when Gregg writes a book - he lives it.  He joined a cult for THE PROGRAM.  For THE KILL CLAUSE, he learned how to pick locks. In MINUTES TO BURN, he went all the way to the Galapago’s for research!  And then, the latest - ONE LAST SHOT.  I mean, the guy does live his thrillers!  And did you know he’s recently signed a deal with ESPN to write and produce a historical drama about a soccer team?  Well, why not?  Hell, how do you think he broke his wrist, his collarbone and a rib?  Playing soccer?  Yep - you got it. It wasn’t from my hugs.

EE:  One of my sources tells me you turned to writing when you discovered you couldn’t make it as a polka accordionist and the bitterness still lingers.  How can we help you overcome this?

GH:  I was actually quite a noted polka accordionist, thank you very much.

Oh, well then I’d better get rid of that source, huh?  Don’t you just hate rumormongers?

EE:  My more reliable sources (!) tell me that Joe Esterhazy is bristling over the rumors that Sharon Stone wants you to script her next movie, but Michael Douglas and Oliver Stone are working behind the scenes to get you off the project.

GH:  Michael and Oliver can be so petty.  Does Joe Esterhaus know you’re referring to him as Joe Esterhazy?  You’d better watch out or you’ll wind up with a pissed-off Showgirl at your front door.

Ha,ha, ha!  I spelled his name wrong on purpose!  He lurks here at On The Bubble, didn’t you know that?  I’m not afraid of a Showgirl! I WANT JOE to come looking for me so I can pitch him.  Hey, you didn’t give me the moniker of Evil E for nuttin’ now, did you?

EE:  The word on

Rodeo Drive

is that Jennifer Anniston has been bugging the hell out of you o play Dray, the Rack’s wife, on the big screen.  Please, Gregg - tell us this isn’t so!  She is so NOT Andrea!

GH:  I have a hard time answering the question of who I see for Tim, but when we were kicking around casting ideas for Dray, I have to say Marie Bello topped my list.

Oh, yeah!  She’d be perfect!  Sexy, tough and compassionate all at once.  But about Rack - uh, how about if we find a cozy table at ThrillerFest and throw around a few names?  I’ve been getting calls from Hugh Jackman and Russell Crowe about talking to you, and I tell ‘ya, Gregg, they can’t seem to get the time difference right and I need my sleep.

CHASSIE WEST  http://www.chassiewest.com

I must confess that I adore this woman so much, I’m having one hell of a time coming up with an intro that doesn’s sound soppy.  It’s hard to describe so warm a heart, so giving a soul, or so fine a writer, but more - so fine a lady.  I mean, you all know Chassie is beloved by so many in our mystery community, so I’d merely be shouting to the chorus.  Maybe a recap of her writing prowess would be a good place to begin. 

Chassie got her feet wet in the young adult genre, then on to teen romance and adventures and then two Nancy Drew’s!  Add to that - three romantic suspense novels for Silhouette as Joyce McGil -Through The Looking Glass and Unforgivable made Waldenbooks bestsellers list and that one was the very first adult romance to feature an African American protagonist.  It wasn’t any wonder she received the 1989-1990 Lifetime Achievement Award from Romantic Times for New Series Author, and then to top that off - the 1990-1991 Career Achievement Certificate of Excellence for Series Romantic Fantasy!  Foreign rights offers arrived faster than the Concorde.

From those wonderful achievements, Chassie went on to mystery.  And thank God she did!  Else we would never have met her wonderful Leigh Ann Warren.  Leigh Ann arrived in

Sunrise

- this one snagged an Edgar nomination.  Then came Killing Kin - Edgar and Anthony nomination.  And on to Killer Riches and her latest, Killer Chameleon - a pick of the week by Sarah Weinman.  Out now for Chassie, is a new anthology from

Avon

- Bark M For Murder - with J.A.Jance, Virginia Lanier and Lee Charles Kelly.  Chassies story is Nightmare In Nowhere.  And, at the moment, Chassie is working on a standalone that will leave you breathless!

Oh, one last thing - before we chat with Chassie - I have to tell you that were it not for this incredible woman, I’d not be writing.  But don’t hold that against her, okay?   Chassie believed in me, and kept me rowing in that damn boat that often felt like it was ready to sink or capsize.  And I’m not the only published writer who can lay claim to that - you’d be surprised who some of the NYT bestsellers are who got a ‘green light’ from an editor because of Chassie West.

EE:  Word on the street is that Halle Barry was going to option one of your Leigh Warren books, but she didn’t think she was beautiful enough to portray her on the screen.

CW:  I should be so lucky!  Besides, Leigh Ann isn’t beautiful; even she will admit that.  A notch or two above average, according to her.  Of course if Barry wants to mess her up a little to take on the role, that’s fine with me.

Can I tell

Halle

that?  I’m supposed to get back to her. I mean, I told her that myself, but hearing it from you would make all the difference.  Sit tight - leave it up to me…we’ll be in

LaLa

Land

before you know it.  You are taking me along, aren’t you?  I promise to be good.  Honest.

EE:  Mysteryville is abuzz about that dinner you had last week in D.C. with a guy that could be Stedman’s twin.  Is this true?  Are you the reason for his split with Ophra?

CW:  You really are trying to get me killed, aren’t you?  There’s not a word of truth in the rumor.  Well, maybe a syllable or two.  But that’s all.  Honest.  Ophra used to live in my condo development.  That’s the closest I am to anything of hers.  I’m in no way responsible for who looks like who.  Or should that be whom?  Never mind.  It ain’t true!

Killed?  What?  I’m only passing on rumors here. Damn, but you’re a cagey one!  Okay, I believe you.  Sorta.

EE:  Whispers are rampant that the CIA wants you back in the fold.  What’s with that?

CW:  You bring this up considering what’s going on in D.C. with the special investigator and civil suits and stuff?  I know nothing.  I repeat, nothing!

Well done, Ms. West.  A representative from our office will be contacting you soon to begin re-entry into the system.  Until that time, please be careful what you say to Evil E.  We’ve got her on our radar, and keeping a close watch.

EE:  Ignore that man.  I don’t know how the hell he got in here.  Anyway, which writer would you love to have all to yourself in a cozy corner of the bar at the next ThrillerFest?

CW:  No contest there.  Lee Child.  I’d love to pick his brains about Jack Reacher and how he came to be.  I’m heavily into character and Reacher’s one complex so-and-so.

how he came to be.  I’m heavily into character and Reacher’s one complex so-and-so.

Lee Child and Reacher again???  Why does that duo keep cropping up here?  I’m gonna have to get them both On The Bubble.

Well, this was an intersting group, but I’m still at square one.  My window is closing fast, I’ve got nothing to hang my hat on.  I gotta think the next group I’m hauling in here next Wednesday will take me closer to nabbing my perps.  Damn, but these writers are shifty.  They cut, paste and edit every damn question I throw at em’. But hey, like I said - I’ll close this puppy - one way or the other - or my name ain’t Evil E.

So, until next Wednesday - stay safe out there people, okay?

http://www.mjrose.typepad.com/buzz balls hype/

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