ElaineFlinn.com

Posted by Murderati on December 2nd, 2006 in On The Bubble

This has been a long case - many suspects - hours of questioning - and I’m no where near a conclusion.  Some might even say I’m dancing in the dark - but then, I am Evil E - and they wouldn’t dare.  At least not to my face.  They all know my close rate is one of the best - I never leave a stone unturned.  I’ll follow my suspects to the end.  I’ll wring the truth out of them-no matter what it takes.  But now that the end of the year is at hand, I thought it would be a good idea to recap some of my interviews-take a look at some of their answers-see if I can glean that little slip of the tongue that will connect all the dots.  It’s not a job for the faint of heart - but it’s what I do.  You can lay money on it.  And then some.

SCENE OF THE  CRIME:  ON THE BUBBLE - 2006

THE CRIMES:  Writing some of the best crime fiction out there.

THE SUSPECTS:

PAUL GUYOT   http://www.paulguyot.net

Paul has got to be one of the most successful and prolific TV writers who can combine a grueling television production schedule with writing fiction.  His TV credits are numerous (think FELICTY!)-plus he was the writer and producer of JUDGING AMY/  He’s worked with David E. Kelly and Michael Connelly -Quelle Diable!  And besides all this - new pilots in the works - Paul’s short stories can be found in Robert J. Randisi’s GREATEST HITS anthology-and more to come.  And did you know that Paul is a hot culinary artists?  Emeril?  Better watch out - Paul Guyot is gearing up…

EE:  Rumor around Mysteryville is that you joined International Thriller Writers just to hang out in the bar with Tess Gerritsen and Alex Kava at ThrillerFest.  I’m really chuffed about that one.  So what if I’m old enough to be your aunt?  I’ve got a new night cream I’m working on.  Besides, you still owe me four beers from Bcon in Chicago.

PG:  Beers with you is on the calendar in pen, but if Tess or Alex even glances my way, you must understand that I will be on them like weird on  Bjork.

I can change night creams.

EE: A good friend of yours (and it wasn’t DM or JWL-or maybe it was) told me being an acclaimed, award winning TV writer no longer holds the allure it once did, thus you have decided to blow the roof off the barn and become a real writer. Would you kindly address this serious allegation?

PG: If I were a real writer, do you think I’d actually be wasting my time talking with you? Rest assured I am still the filthy money-grubbing whore you know and love.

Isn’t it obvious why I love this guy?

EE: Rumor has it that you’re not answering emails from the thousands of readers going through withdrawal since you shut down your blog –‘INKSLINGER’ This is beyond cruel, Paul. You’ve left an incalculable void and wannabe script writers are assembling to march on your home.

PG: It will stand as an icon of its generation. That, or Typepad will delete it to save face.

Paul is being too humble here. INKSLINGER was one of the most widely read blogs on the net. Not only was it a daily does of laughs, it was filled with insider tips for seasoned scriptwriters as well as those ‘hoping to be’ – and many posters were some of the biggest names on TV, film and in Mysteryville.. Visits-or ‘hits’-frequently hit over 2,000 per day! The mourning period lingers still…

DAVID MONTGOMERY  http://www.crimefictionblog.com

I like to tease Dave.  I tell him the only reason he’s a reviewer is so he can get all those free books.  But it ain’t true.  Dave really, really loves mystery/crime/suspense/thrillers.  And because he does - he is one of the best out there.  Just look at his credits:  Chicago Sun-Times, National Review, USA Today, Kansas City Star, January Magazine, Philadelphia City & Inquirer - oh, right - and then there’s the Boston Globe and the South Florida Sun-Sentinel.  His CRIME FICTION BLOG is one of the best on the web - and he another great site - OVERNIGHT SUCCESS?  But let’s not forget MYSTERY INK - the home of the prestigious GUMSHOE AWARD - now in it’s fifth year.  BSP aside - I’m proud to say my first book - DEALING IN MURDER - was short listed for the GUMSHOE.  I, ah, didn’t win - but I don’t hold that against Dave.  But he made it up to me - as you’ll see in one of his answers.

EE: Word is, David - Marilyn Stasio, the infamous New York Times book reviewer confers with you first before writing her column.  I think it’s time we knew the truth.

DM:  I wish she would!  Stasio generally has excellent taste in books, and her writing is good, but I often find her reviews unsatisfying.  There’s not enough analysis or opinion in them.  It can be tough to do when writing in the column format, but I’d like to see more meat in there.

Yeah, me too.  I’d also like to see my book there.  Do you know where I can find a voodoo doll?

EE:  Okay, here’s a hot one:  I’ve been told (and I’ll just faint if it’s true) that you’ve been approached by Rupert Murdoch to pen a mystery related gossip column for The Enquirer.

DM:  I’ve got tons of great gossip, so I’ve been looking for an outlet where I can use it. (My blind items are killers!)  As it turns out, however, nobody knows who the mystery writers are, so the idea was greeted with a huge "WTHF?"

Huh?  Nobody knows US??  Who the hell do they think keeps them up at night?   We’ve got to remedy that, David!  We’ll put our heads together at ThrillerFest, okay?  Maybe we’ll let Guyot sit in on this.  He’s kinda twisted too. Too bad JLW ain’t gonna be there.

EE:  And what about the rumors that your annual Gumshoe Award, so prestigious it fairly kills writers who are never short-listed, is just a ruse to get nominees and winners to join the publishing house you’ve got going on the back burner?

DM:  It’s funny that you say that, as I’d love to run a publishing house.  Soon as I win the lottery, I’m starting one.  As for the Gumshoe Awards…the staff at Mystery Ink tries hard each year to single out the best books, hopefully with an eye towards some more unconventional choices.  It’s a helluva task, but the really hard part is singling out the winners.  I’d rather just make the shortlist and leave it at that.

Just the shortlist?  Hmmm.  That idea has merit.  That would mean I was a winner!  Yeah, I like that, David.

And-speaking of JLW-

JAMES LINCOLN WARREN  http://www.swordquill.com

To say that James Lincoln Warren (aka JLW) is the quintessential short story writer is not an exaggeration.  His contributions to Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine is prolific and his stories can always be counted on to be more than just well crafted, or fascinating - but unique.  JLW is, by the way, an incredible wordsmith.  He knows words (and their roots) I never knew existed!  I could go on forever listing his accomplishments in the real world, but there isn’t enough space.  I can listen to him for hours (and I have) -so just believe me when I say he’s one hell of a great guy and he will never, ever bore you.  In fact - I’ve recently finished his WHOSE LUST IS MURDER - and it was, naturally, terrific! 

EE:  It’s well known, Jim - that you are a repository of arcane knowledge, but did you really find it amusing to inform Wikipedia of their many errors?

JLW:  Not half as much as I enjoyed showing off at Trivial Pursuit back in the 80’s, because then I had an admiring audience, that is, when they weren’t throwing things at me for being an overbearing snot.  In particular, there was one question, "How many Queens of England have there been named Elizabeth?"  The answer on the card was three:  Elizabeth I, Elizabeth II, and Elizabeth the Queen Mum.  This is wrong.  The correct answer is five: Elizabeth Woodville, Queen under Edward IV; Elizabeth of York, Edward IV’s daughter and wife of Henry VII: and another three.

Okay, folks - see what I mean?  What doesn’t this man know for God’s sakes?

EE:  As one of the few renaissance men in the mystery world, what historical figure to you most identify with?

JLW:  The medieval explorer Sir John Mandeville, one of the most spectacular frauds in history, and chronicler of the reign of Prester John - did you know that Marco Polo went looking for Prester John because of Mandeville, but wound up discovering pasta instead?  True.  Or speaking of pasta, maybe Gioacchino Rossini, the very fat composer who gave up music so he could cook and eat all the time.  There was a man with his priorities straight - not enough writers truly value the act of eating, even when they’re sober.  And then there’s Archimedes, who jumped out of his bath and ran screaming naked through the streets of Syracuse just because he had a good idea.  I think most of us scribblers can relate.

You mean we have an ENGLISHMAN to thank for pasta??  For God’s sakes! Don’t let Tony Soprano find out about this.  He’s got enough problems right now.

EE: Which words or phrases do you most over use?  Other than WTF, okay?

JLW:  "I writhe at your feet in a frenzy of self-abasement."  How can you go wrong with Noel Coward?

Ohhhhh, is that a hot flash I feel?

GAYLE LYNDS   http://www.gaylelynds.com

How does one write an intro for this extraordinary lady? What can I say about this world wide best seller, the co-founder of International Thriller Writers, whose new book - THE LAST SPYMASTER - is already breaking sound barriers around bookstores - that hasn’t already been said - time and again - and more eloquently?

Here’s where it gets tough. I could be effusive as hell. I could offer up a ton of superlatives. And they’d all be true. Because I know them to be. Many of you who know what Gayle’s been through, will understand when I use one word to describe her. It’s a word that instantly comes to mind when I think of Gayle. Indomitable. And did I forget to mention how much I adore her?

EE: There are some frightening rumors going around that you and David Morrell co-founded International Thriller Writers as a ruse to recruit some of the best minds in crime fiction as covers N.S.A. agents. Say it isn’t so, Gayle. I mean, when would all these phenoms have time to write?

GL: Well, I must admit your intel is somewhat accurate. As the last spymaster says in the book that was named for him, use the BAR code. No! Not that kind of bar. The clandestine kind –Befriend, Assess, Recruit! Well, a little fine scotch never hurt either.

But…but…I LIKE that kind of bar. If you change your M.O., I’d be glad to play barmaid.

EE:  Rumor around Mysteryville - er - Thrillerville - is that the names of the winners of the first "Thriller" Award being presented at Thrillerfest (June 29th-July 2nd in Scottsdale, Arizona-hows that for a plug?) are under close guard at Price Waterhouse.  Were these extreme measures taken after Otto Penzler threatened to boycott the convention because no cozy writers were nominated?

GL:  I know what you mean.  Otto really adores cozies.  Until recently, he was in bed a lot with cozy…books.  And they just adore him back.  But I do wish he’d quit going on and on about how much he loves them.  You’d think he’d be a little more sensitive to the rest of us, especially the guy writers.  Otto doesn’t mean to be sexist.  He just can’t help preferring to knock back shots with female authors, praising more of their novels, point out that they generally write better than men, and saying sensitively that of course men shouldn’t take it personally because they can’t help it that they’re not as good.  As in all things, genitals are destiny.  Otto is not only passionate but logical.  When I grow up, I want to be Otto!

Hells, bells!  I laughed so damn hard while I typed that - I can’t think of anything to say!

EE:  Your legion of fans have asked me to pose this very important question:  and be truthful here, okay?  You’re having a dinner party with your ideal guests - who would they be - and what will you serve?

GL:  Oh, goodie.  Just my cup of cyanide.  I want Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, George W. Bush, Tony Blair…every head of state.  And I’m gonna serve Truth Serum!

Ah, my kind of party!  If you’re short on dishes, let me know.  I’ve got tons and tons.  I’ll even deliver them.  And I can help serve too.  Hell, I can drop food on people better than most.

STEPHEN BOOTH   http://www.stephen-booth.com

STEPHEN BOOTH needs little introduction, but because I adore this man, I’d like to take a moment and laud (I love that word) him. A master storyteller of seven absolutely riveting books whose setting in the Peak District of England rivals that of Poe and any ‘dark and stormy night’ you can imagine! From BLACK DOG-#1 to his current SCARED TO LIVE.  This is a series with few peers. And with much deftness, Steve has created a duo –Ben Cooper and Diane Fry – that you will loathe to leave the moment you reach the last page.  By the way, not only is Steve a prince of a man, he is one of the finest gents in this wacky world of mystery.  I had the very great privilege to sit next to Steve at my very first panel.  I was nervous as hell to be next to this incredible writer. And you know what?  His innate kindness made the ordeal feel like a picnic.  I think I stuttered only once.  Thank you again, dear heart.

EE:  I know you to be the consummate gentleman, but what’s this I hear about you dancing on the table at a private party at Left Coast Crime in Bristol?

SB:  Was that before, or after the strip tease?  It’s all such a blur… Actually, since I’m teetotal, I never make a fool of myself at conventions, I just egg other people on to do it.  And some of those authors don’t need much egging, I can tell you (photographs available for a small fee).

It was after the striptease.  So - you’ve got photos, huh?  Do you accept Pay Pal?

EEO:  This is a hot topic around the U.K., Stephen - any truth to the rumors that Bob Haskins and Helen Moreen are besieging you to pen a new and darker series using them as the main characters, but you’d rather spend your free time working on the musical about the Kary brothers? 

SB:  Musicals are definitely my thing.  Anyone who’s heard me sing will know that I am to music exactly what the Kary brothers were to rival gangsters.  I can murder any song you name.

Then that haunting baritone voice I heard singing blues in the Night beneath my window a Left Coast Crime in Monterey wasn’t you?

EEO:  I have it on good authority, Steve, that Dame Judi Tench is dying to get to know you better, yet you’ve not returned her many e-mails.  What does your wife think of this?

SB:  I’ve gone off Jude ever since she played a Klingon brother keeper in Star Trek: The Next Generation.  Besides, my wife has never heard of e-mail.

Well, I can’t blame you there. Judi was a bit tarty. Best you wife doesn’t know.

                                DENISE HAMILTON  http://www.denisehamilton.com

You all must surely know Denise Hamilton has been nominated for an Edgar, the Willa Cather and the UK’s prestigious Creasey Dagger, so why do I need to tell you all this anyway? Well, darlings, because I want to remind you what a terrific writer she is, and hush…don’t tell her I said this…but she’s one hell of a gal as well. What ever you do, don’t miss her latest - PRISONER OF MEMORY! This is the fifth in the Eve Diamond series – where Denise, once again, writes what she knows – and encompasses her own family Russian heritage this time to bring you an espionage thriller par excellence!

EE: How emotionally tough was it for you when you turned down Hooter’s offer of ten grand a week for a two-week appearance?

DH: My agent’s working on getting them up to twenty grand.

Ohh la la! My kind of gal!

EE: Any truth to the rumors around L.A. that Melanie Griffin claims Eve Diamond’s lover, Silvio, is a dead ringer for Antonio Banderas and Melanie wants to know how you’re so acquainted with Banderas’ amorous style?

DH: Funny you should ask. Melanie Griffin and I actually attended the same high school for a time – Corvallis – a girl’s Catholic prep school in Studio City run by nuns that closed rather than go co-ed. She was two years older than me. She left school to marry Don Johnson!

Hmmm…I love the way Denise skirted my question, don’t you? We’ll have to revisit that one of these days.

EE: Who would you love to do a book tour with?

DH: I love to tour with Julia Spencer-Fleming. We get along like a house afire, both have kids, love to gab. Sometimes we’re so busy dissecting a book or yakking about our stuff that we miss the freeway exits.

Well, you wouldn’t want me in the car – I’m totally direction challenged. I’m lucky to find my front door. But it’s great to know you and Julia have so much fun together.

And speaking of Julia -

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING http://www.juliaspencerfleming.com

In Julia Spencer-Fleming’s life - it’s pouring awards, accolades, starred reviews, legions of adoring fans clamoring for more, and book sales to make us all green with envy. But then - Julia has given us four books that have touched us. Yes, there is murder, yes there is mayhem, but there is faith as well. Is it any wonder she has won an Agatha, Anthony, Barry, Macavity, Dilys - and was short-listed for an Edgar, Nero Wolfe, Gumshoe and a Romantic Times? And did you know that her debut book - IN THE BLEAK MIDWINTER won more awards than any first mystery novel? EVER? I was thrilled to receive an ARC for Julia’s latest - ALL MORTAL FLESH - and while I loved all of her books, I was especially touched by this one. You’ve heard this before - and felt it yourself, I know - but I didn’t want it to end. The great news is that ALL MORTAL FLESH received starred reviews from Kirkus, Publishers Weekly and Library Journal! Talk about a trifecta!

EE: Okay, Julia! Let’s get serious, okay? Word on the street is that there is an underground movement among female Episcopalian priests to move to small villages and find their own Russ Van Alstyne. And - they’ve been contacting you for guidance.

JSF: Hah. If they want a Russ Van Alstyne, they’ll have to go out and find him like I did.

Julia! How uncharitable of you! The least you could do is give them a few pointers. Kinda like a trade off instead of a tithe?

EE: Oh, this is a hot one running around Manhattan! Rumor has it that Donald Trump is building a chi-chi gated community on Long Island-and he not only wants to call it ‘Millers Kill’ - he’s asked you to pose for a bronze bust to set at the entrance, but you turned him down. What?

JSF: I didn’t want my bust to be responsible for a bronze shortage, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Ahem. Well, darling - I’m always up for a compliment, but truth be known - in my case it’s the result of too much pasta.

EE: On a safer note (?) - which writer would you love to have all to yourself in a cozy corner of the bar at Bcon?

JSF: Janet Evanovich. In the shadowy darkness, I would slip an undetectable poison into her drink. Then, after removing her body under the guise of ‘helping out a friend who had too many’ (an utterly believable alibi at Bouchercon) I would fly to a South American country where a bribeable yet skilled plastic surgeon would give me Janet’s face. I would then seamlessly step into her life, with none the wiser, except maybe for a few suspicions when in 14 Points Stephanie Plum joins the Episcopal church and develops a hopeless yearning for a married man.

You wouldn’t! Would you? Think it might really work? Tell you what - you give it a try. I’ll check back with you and then maybe you could help me with…….

I’m letting these suspects off the hook for now - they’ve been forthright and cooperative.  But you can be sure I’ll have them back for more questioning as this case continues.

I’m turning off the lights in the interrogation room now - it’s needed for another case.  But stop back on Wednesday (OTB’s new day) and we’ll continue our questioning then with more ‘persons of interest.  I’ve still got a long list still to sit under the naked light bulb…and it will take all month.  I’ll get to the bottom of this caper - one way or the other - but you can rest easy knowing Evil E is on the job. 

WHAT A YEAR IT’S BEEN, HUH?

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Posted by Murderati on November 25th, 2006 in On The Bubble

I don’t know who the hell Donna Moore’s muse is - but I want her!

Ken Bruen has called her ‘The Dorothy Parker of Scotland’! Who’s gonna argue with him? Charlie Stella said - ‘It’s like having Groucho Marx feeding you one-liners over your shoulder the entire trip.’ I ain’t gonna argue with Charlie either. GO TO HELENA HANDBASKET is one of the funniest books to come out in a long time. And I especially loved Reed Farrel Coleman’s - ‘Sam Spade in a skirt on acid.’

While a string of top-notch writers are obviously enthralled with Donna’s wit, I would be remiss in not reminding all of you that Donna has been regaling ‘4MysteryAddicts’ for some months prior to publication with her hilarious bus trip stories - and I think the members of that august on-line mystery group would be the first to take pride in saying how much they’d encouraged her to write a book! And aren’t we glad that she did! And - aren’t we glad that THEY did!

So, come along with me - and meet Donna Moore.

EE: At what point in your exciting life did you decide to get off the bus?

DM: I’m never getting off the bus - that’s where my most exciting things happen. Blimey, is there any way I can make that sentence sound any weider? I’m sure people think that my tales of the number 62 bus are made up or exggerated. Well, the numbe 9 can be just as bad. My most recent experience was sitting on the bus on the way to work, and this woman sitting ten seats behind me with her two male companions - all of them dressed in identical flammable shell suits and Burbery baseball caps and dripping enough gold to melt down to make a life size statue of the Empire State Building. This woman had a voice like a foghorn and proceeded to relate to the patrons on the bus the most intimate details of her life. When we were all agog, she dealt the killer blow. “Ma man came oot the jail early last week, ‘an when he got tae the door he didnae huv his key, so he jist booted the door in.” Apparently, his first words to his lovely lady were “Surprise! I’m hame!” I felt like turning around and saying “Could he not just have brought you flowers?” The the thing that really galled her about the whole episode was not the fact that her door was now hanging off, nor that it had a whopping dirty great boot dent in it, nor the fact that she’d got a bit of a shock as she was watching Eastenders. No, it was the fact that the electricity man was now able to get in and sort out the electricty meter that she had fraudulently fixed so that she could get free electricity. She was even thinking of calling Scottish Power to complain. I would love to have heard THAT conversation!

Uh, Donna? I think maybe you need to try another bus line.

EE: Isn’t it true, Donna - that you’re madly in love with Bob Hoskins, and patterned Robin Banks after him? Well, okay - so you made him a bit taller, but still?

DM: Isn’t EVERYONE taller than Bob Hoskins? We have the same test for telling a good book me and Bob. Apparently when he gets a new script he takes it to the loo and if he’s sitting there and his bum goes cold and numb then he knows the script is a good one and he accepts the role. I’m the same. The number of times I’ve fallen off the loo reading a Ken Bruen…

Charming. Thank you for sharing that with us. I’m sure Ken is delighted to know he is found in all the better places…

EE: Rumors abound that now that Helen Mirren has let Jane Tennison retire, she’s interested in playing Helena, but you’re trying to convince her to play Heidi instead. So, what’s the scoop on that? Think Helen can handle that role?

DM: Well, having seen the last episode of Prime Suspect, I’m beginning to think it was the cocktails that were the attraction, rather than the role of Helena. And let’s face it, Elaine, ANYONE can handle the role of Helena. She’s so dim. For some reason my family think she is based on me. I have no idea why.

Surely you jest! You’re not at all like Helena. Well…maybe a little bit…uh, now that I think about it, there is a similarity. I mean, not physically,of course. Maybe they mean your great sense of adventure? Actually, you’re…well, nevermind. Oh, wait! I know! It’s the shoes. That’s it, the shoes.

EE: And speaking of shoes (!) - I understand Imelda Marcos is angling for a spot in the Guinness Book of Records for having the most shoes - and she’s challenged you to surpass her. Is it true you’ve enlisted David Corbett to go under cover and get Imelda’s shoe count before you embark on your shopping spree?

DM: When they raided her wardrobes they also found some bulletproof bras. I asked David to sneak out a couple of those for me. You can never have too much bulletproof lingerie can you? Apparently she was most annoyed when it was reported that she had over 3,000 pairs of shoes and was reported to have said, “I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.” Yeah, like that makes a difference Imelda. For the record, I only have 100 or so pairs (do you like the ‘or so’ by the way?)

Like it? I love it. Never, ever, cop to the number of ANYTHING you have. Keep ‘em guessing, chickie. That’s my motto.

EE: Whispers are rampant that you tried to drink John Rickards under the table at Harrowgate, but Steve Booth talked you out of it. Care to comment?

DM: Since I was not at Harrowgate this year, I believe that must have been my body double Angelina Jolie. Oh, wait, I keep forgetting she turned down the role and it ended up going to Jabba The Hutt.

Sure. Okay. I’ll print that answer - but Donna - ain’t nobody - especially Evil E - is gonna buy it.

EE: Now that you’ve finally buckled down and written your first book (after dozens of us have badgered you for months and months), could you possibly have a Walter Mitty dream left? If yes, spill it, doll face.

DM: Yes. Being a rock chick. I want to be a drummer with a rock band. Firstly because I have always loved the drums and used to practice on anything handy - pans, arms of chairs, my little brother’s head. Secondly becasue I have always loved reading about those outrageous riders the big stars ask for when they go on tour - you know - they want a bowl of M&Ms in the dressing room but with all the brown ones removed, or they want tea made from leaves grown on the eastern slopes of Mount Fuji and picked at dawn by naked castratos playing the Alpenhorn. Iggy Pop apparently once asked for seven dwarves and some broccoli. He was asked why he wanted the broccoli since he doesn’t eat it and he said he just wanted to throw it away. Why did no one think to ask him what he wanted the dwarves for? What was the question? Oh yes…well, I wrote to Green Day and asked them to bear me in mind when they were next on the lookout for a new drummer. They were VERY interested…until I told them my drum teacher had sacked me after three lessons. Actually, he didn’t so much as sack me as retire from teaching the drums. He was only 35 too. I sent him a postcard to the Happyvale Sanitorium for Traumatised Musicians, but never head back. Strange.

How about sending him a copy of GO TO HELENA HANDBASKET? Hell, it might cheer the poor sod up.

EE: You’re having six guests for dinner (Yes, Donna - you are! Why? Because I am Evil E and I get to call the shots). Who would they be, and what will you serve?

DM: Gawd, I KNEW you were going to ask this question, Elaine - and I still never thought about it. It’s a tough one. There are so many people I would love to invite to dinner. If I’m cooking then first and foremost a doctor would be imperative. But assuming I’m getting it catered (by far the best option) then I think it have to be Mae West and W.C. Fields (because I think they would both be great fun), Cary Grant (because he was so charming and sophisticated and a wonderful comic actor), Caligula (because he wa so completely bonkers and a fascinating character), Lola Montez (a really bad exotic dancer from the Victorian era knows as ‘La Grande Horizontale’. She was the mistress of people such as Franz Liszt, Alexander Dumas and King Ludwig of Bavaria. She had a horrendously bad temper and carried a whip which she used on lovers, unappreciative audience members and newspaper reviewers and she once shot at a presumably disappointing lover as he ran down the street with his trowsers around his ankles), Oscar Wilde and Johnny Depp. And-Johnny Depp is staying to help with the washing up, no matter how hard he struggles to get away. There, I did it (desperately hoping Elaine doesn’t notice that I picked 7).

Tell you what - after Mae takes off with W.C. for a private show, and Oscar & Caligula leave to compare lovers, you keep Depp in the kitchen, and I’ll sit with Cary & Lola and take notes. Cary could give me a few pointers on timing, and Lola…well, hell, I’ll think of something.

EE: The word around Mysteryville is that you agreed to be photographed reading Ken Bruen’s book if he’d stop teasing you about your shoe problem. Huh? I mean, it’s not like he needs the exposure. So, Donna - what’s the real story here?

DM: With the photo you mean? Well, my enormously talented photographer friend, Stuart McAllister (several of my friends want to hire him because, as they put it, “he makes even YOU look reasonably good, Donna”) told me that he wanted to take a picture of me reading a book that meant something to me. Ken’s books were an obvious choice. I hope it doesn’t detrimentally affect his sales. Sort of like a Pavlovian reaction on behalf of the book buying public - “No, Ethel, I can’t buy The Guards - for some reason it has an association that makes me shake and sob with fear.”

Oh. Yes, I can see your point. Maybe you two better forget that promo idea of Ken being photographed reading your book? I mean, why tempt fate, huh?

EE: Oh, this just in - Mark Billingham is on the line and wants to know if Helena will do a club act with him next week in Leeds. What should I tell him?

DM: Having seen Mark do stand up, I think she’d much prefer to be in the audience - he’s hilarious. But could it not be Leeds? The only time I was in Leeds - I was…errr…fortunate enough to stay in a hotel slap bang in the middle of the red light district. I could tell the prostitutes because they were the ones wearing short denim skirts, turquoise leg warmers and white high-heeled boots in November. It was like The Hookers From Fame. The alleyway right outside my window was a hive of activity all night. I couldn’t eat sausage for a month.

Well, hell, Donna - that’s what you get for insisting on five star hotels. But listen, try Jimmy Dean brand. It comes plain, or spicy. Your choice.

EE: Okay, let’s get serious (?) here - which writer would you love to have all to yourself in a cozy corner of the bar at the next con?

DM: The choices are endless, but sadly no one is queueing up for that rather dubious pleasure. Present company excepted, I think it would be Barbara Seranella. She is great fun and I always love spending time with her, but feel as though it’s always too short. Or Tony Broadbent becasue he does the most amazing Cary Grant impersonation and is just as charming. Or Joe Lansdale. I met him briefly recently and was in awe.

Well, that’s kind of you to include me, but hey - Barbara Seranella is one hell of a great broad - and I’d move over for her any time. So - Tony Broadbent does Cary Grant, huh? Hmmm. I’ll have to remember that. You WILL introduce me, won’t you?

EE: You’re moderating a panel - and you get to choose six panelists. What is the theme, and who are they?

DM: Ken Bruen, Eddie Muller, Bill Fitzhugh, Steve Brewer, Victor Gischler, Jim Born, David Corbett and Gary Phillips (obviously, math is NOT my strong point). No theme - I would just let them chat for several hours. They are all funny with great stories. Or, I would reprise the one and only panel I have ever done with Al Guthrie, Charlie Willimas, Ray Banks and Jason Starr - brilliant panelists and great sports who made a very nervous first time moderator almost enjoy the experience.

That will be me in the green visor outside the panel room selling tickets. As soon as you firm up the deal, I’ll get set up with eBay too, okay? Sixty-forty sound okay to you?

EE: Who would be your two idea book tour mates?

DM: Good grief, Elaine! Your questions are so tough! Twist Phelan and Meg Chittenden. I love them both to bits. They would be wonderful traveling companions and it would be a hoot. If they are not free, then Reed Farrel Coleman and Simon Wood who both have knack for making me laugh.

Stick to cabs with Twist. She has a knack for hiring deranged drivers. And Meg is fun. The three of you, however, could be dangerous. Maybe you ought to go with the guys?

EE: My number one spy tells me that the UK’s M16 brought you in and has demanded that you abandon your plans for a Helena Handbasket sequel. I understand you’ve come too close to describing one of their top operatives and they fear you may have blown her cover. This is serious, Donna! How are you handling this?

DM: They tried to poison my margarita with thalium, but I have a cast iron constitution and just asked for another jug.

Spoken like a true Scottish lass! I’m so damn proud of you! But maybe you should find another favorite drink and throw them off?

EE: So, Donna - word on the street is that Virgil is really a dog. This is outrageous! Cat lovers are up in arms, committees are being formed, banners are being printed as we speak. Please, please tell us this isn’t so!

DM: I asked Virgil for a comment on this. He glowered at me with his one eye and held up the middle claw of one paw. He then used his cat litter tray and, strangely enough, the results seemed to spell out the message, “Swivel, lady.” Take from that what you will.

Uh, I think we got the message loud and clear. But, hey - can I borrow Virgil for a week or two? I’d love to teach my cat that middle claw trick.

Well, what can I say to Donna Moore - other than thank you? I guess I could tell her what a joy she is, how much fun this was, how much I loved GO TO HELENA HANDBASKET - but then - she already knows all of that - so I think I’ll just wish her the very best of luck - a zillions book sales - and, oh yes - get off the phone and get cracking on Helena’s next adventure.
I hope you’ll all come back next week - I have a special treat for you. December will be a pastiche of interviews - some of the funniest - and some of my favorites.

Wit of the week: Alfred Hitchcock’s description of drama: Life with the dull bits cut out.

9 Comments

Posted by Murderati on November 18th, 2006 in On The Bubble

You’d probably imagine this man in a magnificent home library - rare leather books lining the walls, a to-die-for Serapi carpet over marquetry floors, a fire burning softly in a massive fireplace, French doors leading to a stone terrace.. He sits in a tufted leather chair, a brandy snifter in one hand as he contemplates the history of ancient Rome. Or, you might want to drop him on the deck of a paddle wheel on the Mississippi thinking about that poker game he just won and wondering when Rhett Butler was going to show up. On the other hand - you wouldn’t be far off picturing him sporting a chef’s toque, or opening a magazine and seeing him modeling the lastest Brioni suit - or even -hold your breath here, accepting an Oscar! But check out the other photo - see the chick at the pool table? Hell, you wouldn’t figure him to be in a smoke-filled, seedy pool house in Texas with Tammy’s voice blaring away on a juke box, now would you? Well, think again - this is the former chef, male model and Oscar winners baby - and she’s aptly named - BABY SHARK!

Grab your coffee, and join us:

EE: So, Robert - going along with ‘write what you know’, uh, care to tell us how many roadside pool halls you frequented in order to soak up atmosphere?

RF: Like I can remember? My buddy, Snake, and I used to slip out the window during Ms. Herbert’s class and go to Chili Jake’s to shoot nine ball. That’s all I recall, and that’s all you get.

Oh sure…memory loss. Happens all the time.

EE: We will assume the rumors of that mini-rumble you supposedly were involved in at Ruby’s Red Dragon bar in Waco wasn’t your fault, right? You were just kinda setting things up for those knock-out scenes in BABY SHARK to get some flavor, right? I mean, we all know it wasn’t really your fault the place went beserk.

RF: You’re never gonna let me live that down. Have I got this right? The blonde in the purple corset said she’d be right back and I was just waiting around. It was all a mistake from beginning to end. Well, that brass knuckles business was a little bit my fault.

Well, I wasn’t going to mention the blonde in the purple corset, but since you did…

EE: Any truth to the buzz that Allison Fisher - the Number One - female champ of the billiards - aka The Duchess of Doom (yes, you read that right!) - was on your mind as you conjured your incredible Kristin? Talk about one determined female!

RF: Would she make a great Kristin, or what? If there is any justice in life, I’ll get to meet her some day.

Send her a copy of the book! Who knows? She might call you over for a game or two. Pool, of course.

EE: But the real buzz around ThrillerVille is that Efren Reyes - the top men’s money maker in the game - hoped to convince you to model your protag after him instead of a woman. Is it true you had to let him beat you at pool to soothe his ego for being rejected?

RF: I’m thinking you know an awful lot about snooker and such, Ms. Flinn. But re: Mr. Reyes - not on his best day can he take me at the table - and you can tell him I said so.

Darling, I know a lot about a lot of things - but there just isn’t space here. I’ll pass your message on to Efren when I see him later. We’re having coffee at his place.

EE: At what point in your life did you decide that writing a sizzling page turner could be fun? What? Are you totally crazy?

RF: Oh, you jest. Writing the novel is not the fun part. Marketing and selling that novel - now that’s the fun part. Miles behind the wheel. Those motels. That food on the road-not roadkill. You know what I mean. That crowd that pours through the bookstore doors to hear you sing a medly of your hit.

Sing? Hell, I’d lose sales if they heard my voice.

EE: Rumors have it that Ralph Lauren discovered you’d once been a male model - and after reading BABY SHARK - he’s been pestering you to do a series of ads for his new ‘writerly’ campaign, but you turned him down when he insisted you lose the goatee. What? Really, Robert - you could always grow it back, right?

RF: I was waiting for the ‘hair’ stuff to start. At least you didn’t do that Barbara Bush thing I hear so often. Ralph, I said - That Markey Mark bit is so yesterday. And how many times did I have to tell him no tattoos. But you know how he can be. We’re still negotiating.

How true - that darn Ralph can be such a pain. I gave him hell too when he wanted me to wear a bustier. I mean, really. We’re working on a new Chanel design that might pan out.

EE: After winning an Oscar for special effects for Dune, it’s almost crazy to ask what your Walter Mitty dream might be, but what the hell - let’s see what you can come up with.

RF: I’ll have my people get back to your people.

I know it’s tough to follow that naked bald guy…but surely, you can think of something?

EE: Other than roadhouse pool rooms in West Texas, what is your favorite retreat? And what do you do there?

RF: Zihuatanejo. Nothing.

Ah,yes - just north of Acapulco and on the Mexican Riviera. Yeah, I’d do nothing too. Well, maybe read a good book. Got any suggestions?

EE: Which writer would you love to have all to yourself in a cozy corner of the bar at the next con?

RF: You, Elaine. Only you. It was that red rose in the teeth thing that did it for me.

Oh, no! Now the whole world knows. But hey - it works every time.

EE: Now that we know you were once a chef at an A-list Lala Land restaurant - tell us the six people you’d have over for dinner - and what would you serve?

RF: Holy Toledo. Let me think a moment. Okay. The six guests may bring someone with them and no one knows who that will be. Six surprise guests and six invited guests. Mick Jagger, Maureen Dowd, Kobe Bryant, Beverly Sills, Titus Welliver, and Catherine Deneuve - and my wife and daughter would be there, of course. The meal would take too long to explain, but easy and delicious. And wonderful wines. Sorry you asked, right?

Moi? Sorry I asked? Nope. I could handle that bunch. Think Titus might fill you in on all the gossip around the Deadwood back lots? Let me know, okay?

EE: Who would be your ideal panel mates at a con? And what theme would you like to have discussed?

RF: This seems too serious.

That’s not fair! You’re supposed to answer ALL questions.

EE: Okay for you. Just for that - here’s your last question. You’re going on a book tour - which writer would you love to tour with?

RF: Shakira

Really. You mean she can read?

My thanks to Robert Fate for playing with us at ON THE BUBBLE. If you haven’t read BABY SHARK yet, mosey over to Bob’s site and see what you’ve been missing! http://www.robertfate.com

Wit for the week: From Anthony Trollope - The definition of an author: ‘Someone who gets words wholesale and sells them retail.’

Hope to see you next week - I’ve got a big surprise for you! And - speaking of surprises - Typepad decided to get cranky - so - no spell check again - and no pretty colored text either.

10 Comments

Posted by Murderati on November 11th, 2006 in On The Bubble

Well, yes - it’s true.  Raymond WAS James Bond for nine books.  I mean, you can’t get any closer than than, can you?   Just take a gander at Raymond here - talk about imersing yourself in your work!  But he does look great, doncha think?  I have to give him a lot of credit though - imagine wearing a tux all the way through ZERO MINUS TEN (1997), THE FACTS OF DEATH (1998), HIGH TIME TO KILL (1999), DOUBLESHOT (2000), NEVER DREAM OF DYING (2001) and his finale - THE MAN WITH THE RED TATTOO (2002).  That’s quite an impressive set of credits.  And even more fascinating (besides being Bond for so many years)-The Japanese Bond fans aka the Kagawa Prefectural government-this year opened a permanent ‘007 MAN WITH THE RED TATTOO MUSEUM on the island-and have honored Raymond with the title of Ambassador!  Now, those are fans!!   Add to all this - he’s done the film novelizations for TOMORROW NEVER DIES, THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH and DIE ANOTHER DAY.  And did I mention his non-fiction - THE JAMES BOND BEDSIDE COMPANION?  Yep, that’s his as well.  And then there are the computer games, the stage plays he’s written and directed, and uh, let’s see - oh, hell - go to his website:  http://www.raymondbenson.com

But there is much more to Raymond’s writing career besides Bond - so much more - it would take an hour just to type his credits.  You can read all about that on his website - and please do - Raymond is truly a renaissance man!  Last year he spent nearly three weeks in Italy promoting the re-issue of ZERO MINUS TEN, a week as a judge of the Courmayeur Noir Festival along with Val Kilmer and Jeffery Deaver.  Currently, his work can be found in the anthology -THESE GUNS FOR HIRE, and earlier this year - he interviewed Hugh Hefner for CINEMA RETRO, and there’s more - EVIL HOURS will be re-published in Italy!  Raymond’s newest - SWEETIE’S DIAMONDS is out and is one heck of a terrific read - so start there and then you’ll see what a truly talented guy this is.

Now that you’ve learned a bit about this amazing guy, come see what he’s got to say -

EE:  So, Raymond - I imagine having to don a tux while writing those Bond books became annoying after a time.  I’ll bet your neighbors did a double-take when you took out the garbage.

RB:  Ha!  Most of the time I write wearing only underwear or (gasp) less.  That’s the luxury of working out of one’s home.  My commute from the bedroom is ten feet.  I must admit, though, that when I do interviews like this, I dress a bit more formally.  I have a white shirt on, but no pants.  (and it was nine books - six originals and three movie novelizations!)

Ahem - I do hope the shirt is buttoned at least.

EE:  Uh, I don’t think I’m going to ask you what your Walter Mitty dream is - I mean, you lived it through NINE books, but well - is it possible you still have one you’d like to tell us about?

RB:  I suppose I may have ‘lived it’ while writing the Bonds…but I certainly wouldn’t want to be Bond.  I don’t have that kind of tolerance to torture and pain.  I really dislike the kind of martini he drinks, and even some of the meals Bond eats turn me off.  I’m a coward when it comes to gambling at a casino, and I’m even more of a wimp with the physical stuff like jumping out of airplanes without a parachute, fighting someone on top of a moving train, driving like a maniac in heavy traffic while bullets are flying all around, or having less than a minute to disarm an atomic bomb.  (Hmm…the ladies…now tht might be a different matter…)  But I suppose my Walter Mitty dream right now is simply to make a success of my recent non-Bond novels and the stuff I have yet to write!

Oh, darling…that’s no Walter Mitty dream!  After what you and Bond have been through - that’s a cakewalk.

EE:  I’m told you and your pal, Hugh Hefner had quite a difficult time staying on track during that day at the Mansion when you two were reminiscing about your your six appearances in Playboy - the excerpts from the novels and the two Bond short stories Hef published in Playboy - just what caused all the interruptions?

RB:  Hef is not only a kind and generous person, he’s also an animal lover.  On the grounds of the Playboy Mansion are kinds of exotic animals.  In fact, I believe he’s the only private citizen in L.A. with a zoo license.  There are flamingos and dozens of other species of strange birds, monkeys, Japanese koi, dogs and more dogs, it’s amazing…  oh, did I mention the bunnies?

Bunnies?  Ohh, how sweet!  I just love rabbits.  So cute, so cuddly…so…  Wait.  We’re are talking about rabbits, aren’t we?

EE:  Rumors are you’ve had to hire two bodyguards or your November 25th book signing at Murder by the Book in Houston due to the unprecedented number of female fans expected.  Can it be true those women don’t realize you’re NOT Bond?

RB:  Don’t ask, don’t tell!

Oh, like that, huh?  Hells bells - my lips are sealed.

EE:  One of my most trusted spies has informed me that you are persona non gratis in Hong Kong.  Is it true several of the main Triads have a price on your head because your description of their ceremonies in ZERO MINUS TEN were so on the money - the cops can’t guarantee your safety?

RB:  You know, I really thought I would be come the Salmon Rushdie of the Bond novelists.  It’s true that I described in detail the sacret initiation ceremony that Triads used in that book.  But the Royal Hong Kong Police gave me a transcript of it!  (This was back in 1996 before the handover).  I asked them if I could get into any trouble if I used it…and the two inspectors who specialized in Triads just looked at each other and grinned.

Aieee!!  Well, you could always call on Jackie Chan if you get in a pinch.

EE:  While we all know Sean Connery is your favorite Bond, and you even thought Timothy Dalton did a great job - the buzz around Thrillerville is that when you gave the producers of the new Bond flick - Casino Royale - a thumb’s up on Daniel Craig as the new Bond - Craig was so grateful - he’s been sending you flowers.  Flowers?  Is this a new guy thing?

RB:  No, no, it wasn’t flowers.  It was socks.  He’d heard about the usual outfit I wear when I work at my computer.  He thought I could use some.

Oh. Socks.  Okay.  I feel better now.

EE:  But  back to your other life - Is it really true you were bored to teares while doing research for your latest - SWEETIE’S DIAMONDS?  Gosh, I’d think checking out the adult porn industry would have been rather exciting, er, illuminating.

RB:  Research?  Who needed research?  Ahem.  Seriously, folks, I do take pride in the amount of research I do for all my books.  For Bond, I had to get the weaponry and technical and British-ness right.  For TOM CLANCY’S SPLINTER CELL, I had to get the military jargon right.  For SWEETIE’S DIAMONDS I had to…you know.

Yes, well - we’ll just have to use our imagination I suppose.

EE:  And what about those computer games you’ve so successfully created?  Was this hiatus from writing block-busters prompted by your inner child crying out?

RB:  Actually, the computer game portion of my side-winding career was an unexpected left-turn that happened to come around at the right time and in the right place.  I was always a game-player and by the 1980’s I had become enamored of role-playing games like ‘Dungeons & Dragons’.  When home PCs started becomming big in the mid-80’s, this style of interactive story-telling game was a natural port over to the computer.  I got in on the ground floor an dedid it for about ten years.  I left the industry behind, though, when I started writing novels full time.  A funny thing about that ‘inner child’ stuff…I was usually one of the oldest people working at the various game companies that employed me!

Well, we’re just glad you got Dungeons & Dragons out of your system and turned to writing!

EE:  You won’t need your tux for this, but we’d all like to know which writer would you love to have all to yourself in a cozy corner of the bar at next year’s ThrillerFest.

RB:  You, Elaine.

And now that I’ve buttered you up, let’s see if I can think of some runners-up.  So many of my favorite writers are already friends of mine, so dragging them to a corner wouldn’t be that difficult.  Actually, some of them I really wouldn’t want all to myself in a cozy corner.  Eww.  I suppose I’ll just let that question slide and see if anyone seeks me out for a cozy corner.

Well, now that you buttered me up - I’ll do the same - you won’t have a problem, okay?  You’ll probably need those body guards again.  When the gals out there see you in your tux, you’ll be swamped!

EE:  So, is it true that since you are officially an Ambassador to Kagawa Prefecture in Japan, you insist your students at William Rainey Harper College address you as ‘Sensei’ in your classrooms?

RB:  No, but I do insist that they bow every time they enter and leave the classroom.

I’ll try to remember that next time we meet.  But, my memory does depart me on occasion.

EE:  Who would be your ideal SWEETIE’S DIAMONDS book tour mate?  Be careful here, your wife may be reading this.

RB:  Well, if my wife is unable to make it, then I’d want the actress playing the lead character in the movie that should be made based upon the book.  It’d make a terrific vehicle for a talented and attractive leading lady in her 40’s.  (Are you listening Hollywood?)

Drat. That leaves me out.  I just turned…well, nevermind.

EE:  You’re having six guests for dinner, other than Miss Moneypenny, who would you invite, and what would you serve?

RB:  I assume I can name dead people as well as living.  Whenever I’m asked a question like this, I always name my heroes - Ian Fleming, Stanley Kubrick, John Lennon, Groucho Marx, Harpo Marx, Chico Marx (sorry Zeppo, no room!), and Marilyn Monroe for some glamour.  Gosh, they’re all dead.  What does that say about me?  And what bizarre conversations would incur!  It would be such a lively even that we’d all forget to eat, so who cares what I’m serving…

You forgot one guest - I think you’d need a medium too.

Many thanks to Raymond Benson for playing ON THE BUBBLE with us today.  Might I add that the real Raymond - is just as charming as any of the Bond men - and I look forward to seeing him again next year at ThrillerFest.  It’s been great fun to chat with this incredibly multi-talented guy, and a thrill (no pun intended) to read his extraordinary escapades with 007!  But wait until you read SWEETIE’S DIAMONDS!  WHEW!

See you next week, when my guest will be…well, you’ll have to check back to find out.  I mean, this is a ‘mystery’ blog, right?

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