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Posted by Murderati on November 4th, 2006 in On The Bubble

HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE A GUY LIKE THIS?  BOTH OF THEM - OF COURSE.

Even though Chris Grabenstein is guilty of writing television commercials (you know, those things we love to hate?) - we can ignore that part of his shady past.  After all - anyone who can rescue a wonderful guy like Fred (the one without the shades) - he can’t be all bad.  And there is a lot to like about Chris.  Yes, there is.  He gives great smile.  A recovering stand-up improv comedian, Chris saw the light - and turned his magical way with words to mystery - and we’re all richer for that decision.  And the attendees at Bouchercon last month felt the same and awarded him the Anthony for Best First Novel for TILT A WHIRL.  In the meantime, Chris has been busy (as you can see from the book covers) - MAD MOUSE is awaiting your pleasure and now Chris wants us to have ‘a scary little Christmas’ with SLAY RIDE.    Oh, and get ready for Summer/2007 - for WHACK A MOLE.  Yes, the man has been busy - but it’s all Fred’s fault.  Fred is an unforgiving muse - he won’t even let Chris have time off to hit the rides.  Fred knows the pressures of the fame biz - he was a star on Broadway in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang - and he knows that to stay on top - one must give up much for one’s craft. 

Reluctantly, Fred let Chris off for a bit to join us here today - so we’ll get right on with our chat.

EE:  I’m told, Chris, that the real reason you set TILT A WHIRL at an amusement park is because you’re addicted to Ferris Wheels and needed to find a write-off to justify your habit.  This is a serious rumor - and it needs clarification.

CG:  Well, ever since I read Devil in the White City and realized that there was a Mr. Ferris who invented his wheel for the Chicago World’s Fair, or, more accurately, the Colombian Exposition of 1892, which didn’t open until 1893, to rival the Eiffel Tower, an erector set project thrown together for the Paris world fair…

I’m sorry…what was the question?

Oh, yes. I have been known to spend hours on my summer vacation, I mean research trip, to the Jersey Shore hanging out on the Boardwalk in Seaside Heights and Wildwood, riding all the rides, fighting to keep the funnel cakes down.  This summer, I took a spin on a TILT A WHIRL, a MAD MOUSE and tried to play WHACK A MOLE, but could only find this game where you baned a frog into plastic lilly pads (The Frog Bog).  I also rode the Gravitron to experience all those Gs and Centrifugal Force and have the floor drop out from under me in anticipation of Ceepak #4 HELLHOLE.

Oh, how brave of you!  Well, I’d say that certainly is living your work and writing what you know.  Research is sooo important.  NOTE TO ANY IRS PEOPLE OUT THERE:  It is a mandate to write what you know, okay?  So, lay off the guy.  He’s doing his homework.

EE:  Well, now that we got that straight - we’ll proceed.  Isn’t it true - that now - due to the success of your series - amusement parks all over the country are besieging you to use their venues in your next books in hopes a few murders here and there might enhance their image and up their attendance? 

CG:  Not yet, but I’m working on a deal with Six Flags.  I think they want to bump off Bugs Bunny and that bald guy in the Paul Schaefer glasses who dances too much.

Bugs Bunny?  They want to off Bugs??  Any PETA folks out there?  Get ready to march on Six Flags!  I’ll get with you all.  We’ll talk.

EE:  Not that you would, but if you decided to cheat on your spouse/partner - who would that be?  This is, of course, all in fun.  But still?  I mean, you can tell us.

CG:  Not yet.  You see how clever we mystery writers can be?  You asked me "if I decided to cheat on my spouse/partner -who would that be."  That would be my wife.  And, I’d never cheat on her.  She’d still win.  She reads everything I write first.  It’s not nice to annoy your editor.

But, yes - one must never annoy one’s editor.  It could be hazardous to one’s health.

EE:  Rumors are rampant that Bruce Willis - your former comedy troupe member - is hankering to become a mystery writer, but you’re not returning his calls.  What’s up with that?

CG:  Yes, he’s ready to moonlight again.  But every time he calls, it sounds like he’s trapped in a building without any shoes hiding from German terrorists with semi-automatic weapons.  I remember when Bruce did his first movie, back when we were both still doing improv comedy for ten dollars a show down in the east village in a basement theater just off the Bowery and he had to shave his head (something he seems to do on a regular basis these days) to play a bald guy riding the Roosevelt Island tram.

Gosh, I like the way you skirted that question too.  But hey, who needs another mystery writer, huh?  I mean, we can live without Bruce in the bookstores.

EE:  What best selling book do you wish you’d written?

CG:  Any of them!  Wouldn’t that be incredible, to have that many people read ones book? But, if I had to pick somebody else’s best-seller, I’d pick something by Stephen King.  He’s my all time fave.  Maybe BAG OF BONES.  A great story about re-energizing a lost and weary soul.  Or PET CEMETARY because it was so spooky and I miss Buster, who passed away in February.  Or, did he???

My condolences.  I miss my Max too.  We lost him in June.  And you know what?  I still see him! That darn Stephen King! See what he’s done to us with that book!

EE:  One of my NYC spies told me that Fred won’t jog with you in Central Park anymore unless you stop singing ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’.  Jeeze, Chris, don’t you think poor Fred has heard that song enough?

CG:  First, everyone should know that Fred can do a seven minute mile.  I can not.  And he’s taking it easy on me when he runs at that pace.  Actually, the song that drives him crazy is his big number: Toot Sweet.  Now, I never saw the show on Broadway, but I think there’s a type of stick candy invented in it that works like a flute.  Or a dog whistle.  Fred and seven other canine character actors would dash on stage and jump on people.  Now Fred confines his jumping to our neighbors on the elevator.

I’m dying to meet Fred!  He sure as hell gives lie to ‘unfriendly’ New Yawkers, huh?

EE:  Okay, time for your Walter Mitty Dream sequence. Whatcha got for us?

CG:  I’m on stage.  People are blowing into sticks of candy like flutes.  I hear the strands of Toot Sweet.  I jump on the bad guy.  Okay, it’s Fred’s dream…but I want to have stage credits as good as our dog’s!

Hold that thought - I’ve got Carole Shorenstein Hays on the other line - we’re working something up.  Just make sure I have two front row center’s on opening night, okay?

EE:  Which sex symbol do you think you most resemble?

CG:  Fred Flintstone.  Maybe Barney Rubble.  Oh, you should have seen me eighty pounds ago…which is how much weight I lost three years ago.  Weight Watchers On Line and Book Writing.  Perfect together.

Really?  You’re not kidding me, are you?  You LOST weight writing?  And with Weight Watchers? That awful food?  Oy. 

EE:  Who are the seven people you’d invite for dinner? And what would you serve?

CG:  Let’s see…Lazarus, from the bible.  (He’s the one human who knows what happens next).  Edgar A. Poe.  William Shakespeare (because he wrote plays to sell tickets!), John Stewart, Houdini (he could do the floor show), Natalie Merchant (she sings for her supper) and Bruce Springsteen.

I think we’d eat Chinese.  Cold noodles with sesame sauce.  It’s like spaghetti with peanut butter.

Hmmm.  I could handle that crowd.  And did I tell you that I love cold noodles with sesame sauce?

EE:  Who would you love to do a book tour with?  Besides Fred.

CG:  Stephen King.  Not Joe Konrath.  I think that car might get a little gamey smelling after book store number 107.

I’m on the floor laughing.  I’ll bet Joe isn’t though.  But what the hell, he’s probably not around anyway-most likely hitting up another bookstore.

EE:  Now that Konrath probably will never speak to you again, Chris - feel free to tell us about your ideal convention panel.

CG:  I actually suggested one for ThrillerFest:  Bigger, Faster, Shinier Thrillers.  A panel featuring all the ex-advertising copy writers who now write mysteries and thrillers.  Folks like me, James Patterson, Ted Bell, James Seagal, Stuart Woods, M.J. Rose, the list goes on and on.  We’d all tell horror stories about terrible clients and how we could go to fifty-three separate meetings to discuss what color the new Crystal Light Powder should be.  (I think Dorothy L. Sayers wrote copy too.  At least her MURDER MUST ADVERTISE sure reads like she worked at the same agencies as I did, only about sixty years earlier).

Fifty-three separate meetings over a color??  So that’s where all the advertising bucks go,huh? No wonder stuff costs so damn much!

EE:  With all the fascinating writers we all know - which one would you like to have all to yourself in a cozy corner in the bar at the next con?  To talk shop, of course.

CG:  Laura Lippman.  I think she’s one of the classiest, most talented people I have met ‘on the circuit’.  She’s also from Baltimore and might have some Old Bay Seafood Seasoning to share.

Wonderful choice.  I’m sure your ‘editor’ will approve.

EE:  Rumor has it, Chris - that Joan Rivers is worried about her career and since she heard you won a ‘Tony’, she’s bugging you about writing her into your next Broadway hit.  I mean, we know the poor darling probably doesn’t read - and hasn’t a clue that the Anthony you won isn’t a ‘Tony’, but, uh, how did she take it when you explained the difference?

CG:  Her face became a frozen mask of shock.  No, wait.  That’s the plastic surgery.  I actually made the mistake of calling the Anthony the Tony when I won ‘Best First’ for TILT A WHIRL.  People expected me to sing and dance a little.  Or, at least, to cry on cue.  There.  I’m doing it now.  Singing and dancing…

Oh?  I thought you were singing and dancing because you were so thrilled to be On The Bubble!   

My thanks to Chris for being a great guest!  Be sure to visit his site and discover so much more about this charming guy - and meet Fred!  http://www.chrisgrabenstein.com

7 Comments

Posted by Evil E on October 28th, 2006 in On The Bubble

NO INTERVIEW TODAY.  JUST SOME MUSINGS…  You might call them ’surface thoughts’ - nothing profound, groundbreaking - or deep.  But I got to thinking about a few comments presented last Saturday when my interview with The Editor From Hell appeared.  It started with his/her mention about men not wearing a tie when attending the Edgar’s banquet.  Which led to a few other things I’ve had on my mind. But back to last week - I was  happy to see JLW (James Lincoln Warren) and Kris Montee (P.J.Parrish) chime in.  In one of my comments I made mention that JLW looked handsome as all get out (or something like that) in his white dinner jacket at the Edgar’s banquet a couple of years ago - and Kris said that she and Kelly -(they’re in charge of the banquet this year) - are hoping to encourage all the guys to dress up in black tie.   Also, I must add - at that same Edgar’s - Laura Lippman was a knock-out, and so were Kris & Kelly - and so were most of the guests.  But - there were enough ‘tie-less wonders, jeans and shirts untucked -to take a bit of the glitter off the glitz, you know?  Oh, and speaking of white dinner jackets - Ali Karim wore one to the ThrillerFest awards banquet this year!  And let me tell you, I was thrilled (pardon the pun) to be seated next to this suave and debonair guy.  Now, just take a gander at this guy on your left.  I mean, wouldn’t you rather be sitting at a table next to a dream like this?  Okay, so he’s not a writer.  But still?

And, okay - so we’re not all this slim, or can afford a designer gown, OR need to get this fancy - but wouldn’t you love to glam it up at least once or twice a year?  Kris also mentioned how elegant Tess Gerritsen looked at last years Edgar’s. And at ThrillerFest this year, Gayle Lynds was in a long gown and so was C.J. Lyons and quite a few others- along with some fetching evening pant suits as well.  And-dare I say this - quite a few guys in ties.  The point is - ‘dressing up’ lends an event stature.  It tells the world (well, our mystery world) that our award banquets are important.  So why shouldn’t we dignify them with the ’stature’ they deserve?  A lot of people like to say that The Edgar’s are our Academy Awards - I’m not sure where that puts The Anthony, The Agatha, The Thriller, The Barry, The Shamus, The Gumshoe or The Macavity-but that isn’t important.  What IS important - is that these events and awards are to honor our best writers each year.  I think we ought to respect those distinctions with a little more sophistication and elegance.  Wearing jeans, or tee-shirts - or the same damn thing you’ve had on all day - just says you think you’re too cool to be impressed with the whole shebang.  If that’s the case, why show up in the first place?

Okay-I know what you’re thinking now.  Who cares?  I mean, really.  Why the hell is she wasting our time about this?  There are more important things in life-and in the world- than getting dressed up for some award show most of us might never attend.  Well, it’s not just about the Edgar’s - or any other awards banquet.  Like I said - a few things got me to thinking. 

About us.  All of us. 

What has happened to the way we look these days?  I have to thank Kris for another one of her comments - ‘the hairy guy on the plane in cutoffs’.  I remember when ladies wore heels (with hose!), and gentlemen donned a jacket and slacks on an aiplane.  These days I feel like I’m on a dirty, mud splattered bus with people who have forgotten how to bathe, let alone dress like civilized human beings.  On my last flight, a ‘young lady’ sat next to me. She had the window seat and had propped both of her bare feet up against the seat in front of her and was painting her toe nails.  She had on very short shorts, and well - two or three male passengers seemed to find a need to walk the aisle several times during that five hour flight.  No, it didn’t take her that long to paint her nails - but she kept her feet up anyway for most of the flight.  And no, none of the flight attendants said a word to her either.

Anyone remember when we used to ‘dress up’ when we went out to dinner?  And that many restaurants wouldn’t let a guy in without a tie or at least a jacket?  My husband and I had dinner at Morton’s in Portland a couple of months ago, and the two couples next to us were dressed like they were going to a mud wrestling contest.  The men had on torn jeans, dirty sweatshirts-and baseball caps they hadn’t the good manners to remove.  The women were in very low hip-huggers, cropped tops with bursting boobs- and one of them was very pregnant.  They were loud, profane and obnoxious to the waiter.  It was an evening of ‘in your face’ - and it ticked me off no end.  Thank God my husband - a six foot-four ex-Marine - had the sense to tell me to calm down when I wanted to complain.  He told me that at seventy-two (with bad hips and knees from playing semi-pro ball years ago), he thought he could take one of them, but not both, and suggested I zip it up.  It’s not that I’m a stranger to four-letter words.  Those that know me well, will attest to that.  In fact, I know some very interesting combinations I save for special occasions.  But Morton’s ain’t MacDonalds’, okay?  Or, Jimmy Bob’s Barbecue.  So it wasn’t thrilling to spend two hundred bucks for dinner and sit next to low-lifes whose only intention (it appeared) was to act as raunchy as possible and get away with it.   

Yeah, yeah…I know what you’re thinking again…who the hell cares?  Life is casual these days.  Live and let live. Let it all hang out. Do your own thing.  Chill out.  Get with the times, honey.  Well, life may be more casual these days, but IMHO -it’s beginning to erode more than the way we look.  It seems to me that this ‘casual’ attitude has permeated our manners and our civility in more ways than one.  Our outward appearance is only the packaging.  It’s what that packaging is intent on displaying that makes me ponder.  Now, I’m not a fashionista by any stretch.  Stop laughing.  It’s true. I live in jeans like a lot of us.  But I remember an old saying - ‘the British dress for dinner in the jungle.’  Think about that.  Maybe the image the world has of Americans - ‘loud, boisterous and uncouth’ - is well earned. It seems to be how we look, act and sound these days.  Maybe it’s time we dressed for dinner in the jungle too.

Oh, and one other thing - (you knew I wasn’t going to go quietly, didn’t you?) since we’re talking about fashion and image (more or less) - when did women stop wearing hosiery with heels?  Where the hell did that come from?  I mean, even hookers wear hose.  Okay, maybe it’s fishnet, but still.   Thing is - not many females have gams shapely enough - or blemish free - to go around buck naked.  Have we forgotten that there is nothing sexier than silk stockings?  Okay, nylons.  The homeliest leg, the thickest ankle - can take on a hint of allure, a sheen that is irresistible - a whisper of…well, a hell of a lot more than bare legs. 

See what I mean?

So now you’re all wondering what the hell else I had on my mind, right?

Actually, not much.  Well, that’s a lie.  I have a lot of things that make me shake my head these days.  But I’d either bore you, or have you roll your eyes, or think Evil E has lost it - I might even tick you off.  Worse yet - Heaven Forbid - you might never buy one of my books again.  And we can’t have that now - can we?

But - indulge me - there’s another thing or two that perplexes me…

Please tell me - how did we go from this…

And this…

TO THIS????

A picture is worth a thousand words, right?  So is this one.  What the hell is she gonna do when tattoos are no longer cool?  Or, when she meets ‘Mr.Right’ and he takes her home to meet the folks?  And when - pray tell - did this tattooing business become so popular?  Now, I’m not talking about those ’special’ adornments that have meaning - that are discreetly positioned -and/or meant only for certain eyes.  But Ladies!  We got the vote a long time ago - the bra’s were burned - the glass ceiling is shattering (more or less) - so why are we bent on losing the respect we’ve fought so long and hard for? 

Do we even have to resort to this to make it?

I mean, darlings - must we mimic biker chicks or white-trash to get attention?  And don’t tell me this is empowerment either.  Remember all the women bitching about being exploited?  So, tell me - now who’s doing the exploiting? 

Gosh, I wonder what her children will think of this photo when they grow up?

I know none of my musing have a damn thing to do with mystery -other than all this is a mystery - to me at least.

Your thoughts are welcome.  Just don’t yell, okay?  I’m very sensitive and I cry easily.

11 Comments

Posted by Evil E on October 21st, 2006 in On The Bubble

I won’t be offering a glowing intro today for my guest - because I simply don’t know who the hell he or she is.  Sounds like a mystery plot, huh?  There’s a killer somewhere, but who can it be?   Well, all I can tell you is my guest today is ‘The Editor From Hell’.  And guess what - he/she invited himself/herself.  I mean, since I don’t know this personage - it stands to reason I sure as hell couldn’t invite same personage, right?  Right.

So, what to do?  Decline with diplomacy?  Offer an excuse that an interview would be difficult since he/she isn’t known to me - therefore how can I pose dumb questions to a stranger?  Not this kid.  For all I know - he/she could be looking at my standalone at this very moment.  A fool, I’m not.  Well, mostly not.  Okay-so what to ask?  Hmm.  I pondered.  Mix it up, I thought.  Maybe slip in a sneaky question that might provide a clue to his/her identity.  Yeah, that might work.  So help me out here, okay?  Maybe one of you can figure it out.  Let me know if you do, okay?

So - come meet The Editor From Hell.

EE:  Let’s start out easy - maybe this question will help us to know a bit about you.  What was your childhood ambition?

EFH:  To have been able to spend a week with Ernest Hemingway, to hear his tales - the real tales - to drink him under the table and do some carousing.  Sadly, he was dead before I could make that ambition a reality.

EE:  You must have been some kid!  I mean, that’s a rather mature goal.  Would I be correct in assuming you are a man?

EFH:  I was, and am a unique person.  My ambitions are not mundane.  As to my gender, I’ll just say that some women carouse as much as men.  And some women drink rather well.  I would expect Evil E to know that.

I have to admit - I can bend a few with the best of them, but that was in my younger days.  So, okay-you get one brownie point.

EE:  As an editor - what is your biggest challenge?

EFH:  You can’t be serious.  Okay, I’ll bite.  I’d have to say it would be dealing with ego-driven whining writers and editors/publicists fresh out of college who think they know what the market desires, but are too young to have had enough life experiences to know what they’re talking about.  They want to set the world afire with matches that don’t strike anywhere.  It matters little that they work long hours - what matters is they fail to see the big picture and what it takes to get there. They don’t understand nurturing.  Slash and burn is their motto.

Amen and Hallelujah!  An editor of the old school lives!

EE:  As an editor - what inspires you?

EFH:  Besides brilliant writing that is marketable in this ‘dumb down’ society?  Besides a unique voice?  Simplicity (such as Hemingway) inspires me.  Lean prose.  Memorable characters who will linger after the last page is read.  I line out twenty-dollar words and and metaphors that do little except to show the reader how clever one is.  They are, in most hands, a trick conjured for literary pretense.  James Lee Burke is an exception.  Diane Setterfield, in her wonderful book, The Thirteen Tale, is another exception.  Yes, I read Dorothly L too.

You read Dorothy L??  Aha - you’re one of those lurkers, huh?

EE:  Which historical literary figure do you most enjoy reading?

EFH:  For my personal pleasure I find I revisit many writers.  Not all are ‘historical’.  In particular - Charles Dickens, James T. Farrell, Raymond Chandler, Robertson Davies and James M. Cain - and last, but not least, Sidney Sheldon.  These were master story tellers.  We see few of this ilk today.  Quantity pushes today’s market, not quality.

James T. Farrell and the Studs Lonigan trilogy!  Wonderful!  Hey, I’m getting to like you.  You may be okay.

EE:  What questions do you habitually ask your writers?   

EFH:  Why did you do this?  What were you thinking when you wrote this?  Why do you continue to ignore my suggestions?  What makes you think this will work?  Why didn’t you research this properly?

Oh.  Sorry I asked.

EE:  What do you most admire in a man and a woman?

EFH:  It’s a good thing you didn’t ask what I deplore.  You’d be treading on dangerous ground, Ms. Evil.  And your readers might not like my answers.  In men and women, I appreciate the same attributes:  strength of character, honesty, compassion, a healthy sense of humor and a genuine lack of hubris.  Too lofty, I fear.  But one can hope.

So you think my readers won’t be able to take the truth, huh?  Watch me.

EE:  Let’s tread on that dangerous ground.  What do you deplore in a men and women?

EFH:  You just had to go there, didn’t you!  You have earned your moniker.  Then be warned.  In men - in addition to the opposite of what I admire - I deplore swaggering and the constant insertion of a famous four-letter word in every utterance.  It’s the mark of a stunted vocabulary (particularly for a writer) and an overt attempt to prove one’s masculinity.  It’s not that I’m adverse to the word, I use it myself-but only when it fits a need.  In the female species - I’m mostly dismayed by the trend to dress like a hooker - and then be aghast when ‘hit upon’.  I find tattoos on women to be obnoxious and reminiscent of time when only low-class women were so adorned.  Oh, yes - women seem to adore agendas which stem from little logic and are born of adolescent emotions.  Should you now conclude that I am a male, let me say that many women share these sentiments.

Uh, you’re certainly not shy, are you!  Note to readers:  Don’t email me with your rants.  If you want to vent - do it here and get it off your chest.

EE:  I shudder to ask what your pet peeves are.

EFH:  I have many.  I think you’ve already discovered a few, but I can add two more.  First, my impatience with writers who ignore editorial suggestions, who can’t seem to adhere to deadlines, who demand a paid tour, who fall apart when their book does not land on the best seller list, and who can’t handle negative reviews.  Second, as a member of the mystery community, I find it discourteous of male writers attending awards banquets sans a tie - particularly at the Edgar’s, where I feel it denigrates the dignity and importance of the event.  I view this as an immature act of insolence and less an impression of appearing to be ‘cool’.  I also consider it a lack of breeding.

Who can argue with that?

EE:  On a lighter note - what brought you to Murderati?

EFH:  I see you’re looking for compliments.  Murderati was recommended by another editor.  And I read about it on Dorothy L.

EE:  Of course I’m looking for compliments!  What?  You haven’t it in you to offer one?

EFH:  I’m here.  Isn’t that enough?

EE:  Not really.  I mean, you volunteered to be interviewed. Why then?

EFH:  Let’s just say I find your interviews refreshing, light hearted and a nice break after a hectic week.  I decided it would be fun to - as you often say - ‘play’.

Yeah?  Well, you seem to have a funny idea of what ‘playing’ means.

EE:  Okay, what book do you consider your greatest acquisition?

EFH:  If I told you, then you’d know who I am.

So what’s the big mystery?  We won’t tell.  Honest.

EE:  You know what?  You’re no damn fun.  Of course we want to know who you are!  What is this?  Another Ms. Snark trip?

EFH:  Hardly.  I’m the real thing.

Oh oh.  I can see the flack coming.  Everyone duck.

EE:  How about this one? What book are you sorry you didn’t buy?

EFH:  Yours.

EE:  Ha!  Too late.  You had your chance earlier.  Come on now - get serious.

EFH:  You just scolded me for not playing - I’m trying to be light hearted.

Yeah?  Well, that was TOO light hearted, pal.  I have feelings.

EE:  You just lost your credibility with me - so now we’re back to regular questions.  Who would be your ideal panel mates at a con?

EFH:  You’re a hard woman to please.  To your question then.  J.K. Rowling, Val McDermid and John le Carre.  Oh, James Sallis, of course.

Hard to please?  Yes, I’ve been told that before. And you’re failing.

EE:  You appear to lean towards U.K. writers.  Why?

EFH:  They are better educated and they have a finer grasp of the language.

Oh, great!  I just lost my audience.

EE:  Now that we’re alone here - you might as well let it all all.  Earlier, you praised ’simplicity’.  While your choices are favorites of mine as well - I wouldn’t call Rowling’s writing ’simple’.

EFH:  Ah, but it is.  For all her complexity and detail, she doesn’t waste words.  None of my choices do.  This is where having a greater grasp of the language shows.

Okay.  I see your point.  Maybe I should dig out my Harry Potter books and take another look.

EE:  Which writer would you love to have all to yourself in a cozy corner of the bar at the next con? (If anyone dared sit with you, that is.)

EFH:  You, of course.  You fascinate me.  That’s why I’m here.  Your ability to ask inane questions is original and amusing.  I enjoy the way you offer your readers a more human side of their favorite authors.  I suspect your guests (aside from the exposure they experience here) welcome this opportunity to display their sense of humor and fun.  What a rare joy it must be to let one’s hair down.  Your On The Bubble reminds me of the ‘roasts’ comedians once had.  Not quite the same format, but the same spirit.  I must add - your alumni are impressive.  And now, I have joined the ranks.

Oh.  Well, uh…I am of course flattered.  But it sure as hell took you long enough to say something nice.  Too bad the readers are gone now.  I’d love to have shown off.  In any case, you’re forgiven. Thank you.

EE:  Where do you see the world of mystery (and genres) going?  It has been said in some quarters that it’s losing readers and on the way out.

EFH:  Don’t be daft!  Aside from too many mediocre books on the shelves from writers more interested in ‘being a writer’ instead of writing, mystery, etc - will  never see a demise and will continue to flourish.  What I see disappearing - is ‘chick-lit mystery’.  The majority are poorly plotted, characterizations are thin and vaporous, and in my opinion, a waste of readers money.  Those writers would do well to return to romance.   I refuse to accept them from agents.  I liken them to ‘See Spot Run’ books.

I hear a shuffling of chairs out there and a low roar.  I thought for sure everyone was gone.  Hold it, okay?  I’m just asking the questions.  Save the bricks for after I leave.  I don’t run as fast as I once did.

EE:  I’m almost afraid to ask the next question.  Here goes.  What are your thoughts about the onslaught of self-published book in the marketplace?

EFH:  Generally writers who self-publish can’t make the grade. That’s not startling news.  Happily, they are not a part of the ‘onslaught’ in the book stores.  What IS crowding the shelves, is a new popular ploy to create a personal imprint by writers who are unable to attract a legitimate publisher. They come up with an indistinct name, take out a business license (usually a friend or relative will do this-so as to not leave a paper trail), create letterhead and business cards, and then have their tome published by a local printer.  They offer generous discounts and a return policy to book store owners (mainly independents) and then - Voila! - they have a publisher.  Said publisher will then place ads in industry publications, convention programs and sometimes place a small ad in a local market.  The telling clue here is that said publisher rarely, if ever, publishes any other writer - and you can’t contact them to offer a submission.  This is the ‘onslaught’ that is eroding the market.  This is the reason the pie, so to speak, can no longer be cut in enough pieces to feed the legitimate family of writers in the mystery (etc) community.  This is why writers are being dropped, why good solid series and standalones are no longer meeting their sell-throughs.  Publishing is no different from any other business.  We’re all slaves to the numbers game.  There are simply too many writers competing for the same dollar. 

Not great news, by any stretch - but I’m glad I asked.

EE:  Okay, last question.  I’ve figured out who you are.  Otto Penzler, right?

EFH:  Who?  Sorry. The name doesn’t ring a bell.  I’m kidding.  But seriously, If I were, would I tell you?

Damn!  Foiled again!  Well, to those of you still with us - my thanks for sticking around.  And, of course - my thanks to my guest - whoever he or she may be.  I hope he/she will visit again. (?)  I’m kidding too.  It was a pleasure…

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Posted by Evil E on October 14th, 2006 in On The Bubble

DYNAMIC DUO?  OR…DOUBLE TROUBLE??

Don’t laugh!  About the ‘Double Trouble’, I mean.  These two sisters are so full of life and mischeif-they’re addictive.  You have to believe me when I tell you they are dynomite gals!  Kris and Kelly Montee have to be the most lively female team writing knock-out-can’t-put-down books around.  Mega-nominated for their great Louis Kincaid series-they are never still, always on the move, deeply involved in the mystery community-and always ready to help a newbie (and many not-so-newbies) to understand the mysterious, sometimes confusing-and often frustating lay of the land.  And what’s so great-is that it’s all offered with much generosity and sincerity.  Next time you see these two at a con - mosey over and say hello.  But be warned!  If you’re not into laughing and having a helluva time and tons of laughs - don’t bother.  And if you’re really into some chuckles - be sure to stop by their blog - CABBAGES & KINGS - http://www.pjparrish.blogspot.com  This is a genuine crack up!

Their new book - AN UNQUIET GRAVE - out now - is superb.  I know..I know…you’re thinking I say that about every guest’s book. Well, that’s true.  I’ve told you a zillion times - Evil E invite’s only the best - and not just the best writers - but the best people.  The real people.  No Grand Diva’s here -no swelled heads, phonies or new self-made icons.  Just fine writers and the same kind of great folks you’d love to know - and who I am pleased and proud and flattered and all that stuff - to know myself.  So before we all get soppy here, be sure to run over to http://www.p.j.parrish  after this ground-breaking interview - and check out their great website and discover for yourself just how much detailed research goes into each and every book in the Louis Kincaid series.  But not yet!  Wait until after you see what these two have to say!

So come on and have a few laughs with the P.J. Parrish Ladies!

EE:  Some awful wag - and we all know who she is - told me that there are actually FOUR Montee sisters writing the Louis Kincaid series - and they’re the youngest and they’re not allowed out of the attic until they’ve edited each and every page you two write.

PP:  All right, confession time.  We actually are V.C. Andrews and keep the Kincaid girls locked in the attic.  Once a week, we unlock the door and toss in some red meat and Fat Bastard merlot.  Once a year, they toss out a manuscript.

You’re kidding!  It’s true??  Okay-my lips are sealed.  I’ll tell her she’s wrong, wrong, wrong.  I don’t much care for her anyway so it’ll be fun.  But, geeeze - couldn’t you at least spring for some better wine?

EE:  Here’s your chance to squash another rumor about you two.  Word is - Louis Kincaid is a real person under the witness protection program and he feeds you two all his real life adventures. 

PP:  Damn, another truth exposed.  Louis is really Kelly’s fourth husband Larry, and an old white dude who was a delivery guy with UPS until his looks went and he caught on with FedEx as a lost package tracer.  He lives in a double-wide near the Memphis airport and emails Kelly about his adventures.  Larry is currently at work on his own novel, "The UPS Man Always Comes Twice."  Larry says it’s a thriller but Kelly says its strictly fantasy.

Ah!  Finally !  I’ve got some spys who are on the ball!  But gosh, poor guy’s delusional, huh?  Good thing Kelly dumped him.

EE:  Buzz is that you two discuss plot via individual web cam’s and are thinking about posting them on MySpace.  What?  You want to let aspiring writers know how easy it is to write a book?  I mean, the field is crowded enough!

PP:  Okay, let’s be serious here.  The field IS crowded and it’s getting harder every day to break in - and to stay in.  But whoever said this was going to be easy?  Writing’s like having thin thighs.  If it were easy, everyone would do it.  Kelly sez, everyone IS doing it.  Okay, if GOOD writing were easy, everyone would be doing it.  If you are good - and you have enough passion - you will make it.

You’re on the mark there!

EE:  So I’m hearing that you two do a damn fine rendition of ‘Blues In The Night’ and are rehearsing now for next year’s Edgar’s.

PP:  When we were named co-chairs of Edgar Week 2007, the first thing the MWA board did was tell us we couldn’t sing anything.  But we have come up with a bunch of ways to spice up th Edgar banquet.

1-Board members will walk Manhattan streets with sandwich boards saying FOLLOW ME TO THE EDGAR’S!!

2-Reed Farrell Coleman will open with a musical membership pitch to join MWA called ‘Why MWA?’ sung to the tune of "YMCA."

3-David Morrell, wearing a loin cloth and bandana, will be on standby to shoot paintballs at any speaker who goes over the two-minute limit.

4-Every table will be decorated with a lifelike statue of Poe peeing out free champagne all night long.

5-At evening’s end, in a final tribute to Hitchock, 5,000 live ravens will be released to swoop over the tables as guests exit.  (Actually they’re crows becasue they’re cheaper to rent but everyone will be too drunk on free champagne to notice.)

Seriously, folks - we’re going to have a helluva party at next year’s Edgar’s.  And we’re having a ball planning it.

Just seeing David Morrell in a loin cloth would be worth the price of admission!

EE:  My best spy tells me that both of you have been approached by the producers of ‘Housewives’ to be regulars next season - and you’ll be portraying your real life roles as best selling authors.  Are your husbands good with this?

PP:  You know, Lee Goldberg got us a reading but we were rejected for not being desperate enough.  Or maybe it had to do with how we looked in the stilettos and thongs.

My insider souce tells me it wasn’t the stilettos or thongs - it was because your parts were on the table to be expanded as co-leads and it caused a major hissy fit.  Expect a call any day now…but you didn’t hear this from me, okay?

EE:  Word on the street is that Kelly’s expertise as a former dealer at the gaming tables will be the basis for a ‘tell-all’ coming up soon.  Uh, does Donald Trump know about this?

PP:  Yes, and it has his hair standing on end.

Eeeeekkk!!

EE:  And I’m also hearing Kris - that you’re planning on revving up the love scenes in the next Kincaid book, but Kelly is do damn shy, she’s turned that portion of the writing over to you.  Are you good with this?

PP:  This is true, we swear.  We just wrote our first on-camera love scene in our next book.  A THOUSAND BONES (Pocket 2007).  Neither one of us wanted to write it, especially since it involves, well, our heroine getting pleasured by her man in certain way. (how’s that for a euphemism?).  We were so squirrely about it that one night in the bar at SleuthFest we asked a bunch of female crime writers if they really wanted to read that sort of thing.  A resounding YES!  Especially from Don Bruns and Jerry Healy, who were eavesdropping.

This isn’t exactly a family channel, but we’ll go with the euphemism.  So, uh…when in 2007?  Not that I’m anxious…just thought some others might want to know.  What I mean is….oh, hell, never mind.

EE:  Okay, time to get serious!  Let’s hear about your Walter Mitty dreams.

KRIS:  I want to be a Rockette.  I can dance okay, but I’m 56, five-foot-three and shrinking fast.

KELLY:  I want to be a torch singer in a New Orleans blues club.  The closest I got was singing "Hey Good Looking" a a karoke bar in Tunica, Mississippi.  True story.

And the board won’t let you do a routine at the Edgar banquet??  I protest!  I’m going to call Margery right this minute.  I can picture it now - Kelly belting her heart out and Kris kicking up her heels all over the stage.  This could be the utlimate show stopper!  It ain’t fair, I tell you!

EE:  Tell us who you’d both (not at the same time, naturally!) love to have all to yourselves in a cozy corner of the bar at the next con?

PP:  Ken Bruen.  A lovely man.  And why not at the same time?

Why not indeed?  Excellent choice.

EE:  Okay, Ladies!  Get ready for this one.  You’re at ThrillerFest and you get to choose your panel mates.  Who are they?

PP:  We would surround ourselves with the prettiest faces and bask in the reflected glow.  Tess Gerritsen, Gayle Lynds, Zoe Sharp and Barry Eisler.

Oh. Well, since you want ‘prettiest’ I won’t pout about being left out.  Besides, you chose my some of my favorites anyway.  And yeah-Barry would certainly qualify!

EE:  So Kelly - what’s the scoop on the rumor that Kris does a mean hula and won’t show you her moves?  That’s not very sisterly like, but are you handling it okay?

PP:  First of all, it’s not a hula.  It’s a hula-hoop-watusi-Hullabaloo thing left over from the Sixties, an era from which my sister has never quite emerged.  she still brags about getting tear-gassed in college but she won’t tell me what she was protesting.  I think her author picture is from the Sixties too.

Call me -  okay?  I have the scoop and it wasn’t over Bra burning either.

EE:  You’re on tour - it’s a double signing schedule - you get to choose who goes with you.  Who would that be?  Kris?  Kelly?  Come on, don’t be shy.

PP:  Whoever’s atop the Times bestseller list.  We’re no fools.

So if you were on the road now - I guess that would be either Brad Melzer or Cormac MacCarthy?  I sure as hell know it ain’t gonna be Bill O’Reilly!  Oh, could you just picture that?

EE:  You’re having a dinner party for six.  Who would they be and what would you serve?

PP:  Otto Penzler and five cozy writers.  We wouldn’t have to serve anything because they’d eat him alive.

AUTHORS TAKE NOTE:  Kris and Kelly will be thowing names in the hat to select five cozy mystery writers.  Should you wish to partake of this fabulous offer - this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity - you must contact them before midnight - October 14th.  You may do so here at On The Bubble if you so desire - or should you wish to remain anon - then an email will suffice.  Please note in the subject line - ‘Cannibals R US’.  But hurry! This offer will not last long.

Kris & Kelly!  You were both absolutely terrific!  Thanks for playing with me - and thanks so much for being such great gals. 

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